Entry 474: If It Quacks Like a Quark…

Hello, again, kiddies. Mr. Sciencemoron here to tell you about another wonderful discovery that discoverers around the world have discovered.

Today we’re going to talk about the pentaquark, the newest amazing discovery discovered by the Large Hadron Collider located in Switzerland (motto: “Home of the Large Hadron Collider…and Swiss cheese”).

The Large Hadron Collider, of course, is named for Pierre-Yves “Whoopsy” Hadron, one of the most famous klutzes in Swiss history.  Whoopsy was always bumping into things, and legend has it that, one day, he was strolling through Geneva munching on some Swiss chocolate and accidentally walked into a vat of peanut butter, thus inventing…

…crunchy peanut butter.

But I digress.  And I also make stuff up.

Actually, the Large Hadron Collider is a machine that has been assembled, at a cost of $6,400,000,000.37, for the specific purpose of making large hadrons collide into one another. How awesome is that! (The 37¢, by the way, is the kind of thing that happens when some joker comes across your listing on Kickstarter.)

Here’s a picture of the Large Hadron Collider. You simply drop your large hadrons ino-LARGE-HADRON-COLLIDER-facebook[1]

through the hatch (top center) and watch with amusement as they go bouncing down the tunnel in hysterical patterns until…POOF!…they smash into each other and break apart into tiny pieces.

crashersIt’s like those toy race car sets where the cars explode when they crash and you have to put them back together so you can crash them again, except I’m pretty sure the scientists in Switzerland don’t put their large hadrons together again after they pulverize them to pieces.

You see, the whole point of colliding large hadrons is to create smaller hadrons so you can use your Small Hadron Collider to smash those together and make still smaller hadrons and so on and so forth until you can finally take the Microscopic Hadron Collider out of your pocket protector and make the absolutely itsy-bitsiest hadron the world has ever known.

Or something like that.

Anyway, the Swiss guys kept banging their hadrons together until all they had left was a pentaquark and some loose hadron pieces that the janitor swept up.  And you know what I just did as I was typing that last sentence? I accidentally transposed the “d” and the “r” in “hadron” and made my own discovery: that you have to be careful when you’re typing the word “hadron.”

Where was I?ball

Right. The pentaquark. Here’s a picture of it. Well, not really. It’s an artist’s rendering of it. Well, not really. It’s a scientist’s rendering of it. Well, not really. Actually, it’s a picture of a “Light Up Suction Ball,” which costs $6,399,999,998.21 less than a pentaquark, although you do have to pay $3.20 shipping and handling unless you’re an Amazon Prime member.

Okay, below is the actual rendering of the actual pentaquark. Its pretty, isn’t it? They have to do a rendering because they can’t take a photograph of it with their iPhones because no matter how many times they do that motion with their fingers they can’t zoom pentaquarkin enough because a pentaquark is really small. You could fit like a gajillion of them into a Hot Pocket and still have plenty of room left over for all the stuff that’s usually in a Hot 50530PepperoniPizzaHotPocket[1]Pocket.

Even I, Mr. Sciencemoron, do not have the knowledge of physics (or whatever branch of science this is) to tell you more about the pentaquark. But I’ll let a real scientific article explain it:

“The pentaquark is five quarks stuck together…Or, more specifically, it is four quarks stuck to an anti-quark.”

That clears it right up, doesn’t it?

What’s really amazing is what pentaquarks do. According to the same article:

“It’s not immediately clear what exactly the point of pentaquarks are or why they matter.”

I’ll tell you what the point of pentaquarks is, kiddies. They’re cool! Science is cool! Without Science, we wouldn’t have lots of other cool stuff, too.  Like gravity.

And now I have a truly amazing opportunity for you:

Get Your Very Own Pentaquark for Just $9.99.

Pentaquarks like these have sold elsewhere (particularly in Switzerland) for $6,400,000,000.37, but for a limited time, you can take advantage of this exclusive Mr. Sciencemoron offer and own a pentaquark for under 10 bucks (plus 49¢ shipping and handling, or whatever those “Forever” stamps go for these days).

Just send $10.48 to haldirect@aol.com, and I’ll ship your pentaquark–along with a genuine Certificate of Authenticity–in a real envelope addressed to you and delivered via USPS (please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery, since the USPS moves somewhat slower than the particles in a Large Hadron Collider). When your pentaquark arrives, open your envelope very carefully, because I am not responsible if you drop your pentaquark and lose it. Or if the world explodes when you do.

If your envelope appears to be empty (except for the Certificate of Authenticity), that means you’ve already dropped your pentaquark and that you should immediately leave the room for your own safety.

Or, as Pierre-Yves Hadron would say…”Whoopsy!”

See you soon.

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2 Responses to Entry 474: If It Quacks Like a Quark…

  1. Vinny says:

    Ya know Mr Sciencemoron, they almost built that collider at the school where your bride matriculated. Yea that’s right folks… When they had a list of possible sites, R.I.T. Was one of them. But like the Olympic committee and the World Soccer Federation, the Hadron Xommittee took large outs of money- or possible chocolate – from the Swiss to build it over there.

  2. Pingback: Entry 653: Black is the New Black | The Upsizers

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