Let’s say you are a very romantic person. I know you’re not, but let’s pretend for the purposes of this post.
You are so romantic, in fact, that you have planned a surprise intimate weekend in Paris, complete with dinner at one of Paris’s most romantic restaurants. (Since we’re pretending you’re romantic, we might as well also pretend you’re rich.)
At Le Restaurant Romantique, you both order the Agneau de Lozère because you remember from high school French that “agneau” is lamb and, besides, there’s something on the menu called Fillet of John Dory, and you want to steer clear of that, because you don’t know what–or who–John Dory is. Or was.*
While you await your meals, you attempt in vain to remove the red wine stains from your clothes because, instead of sitting across from each other like normal people, you sat next each other to show all the other diners how in love you are, and you tried to do that awkward thing where you cross arms and drink from each other’s glasses and you couldn’t quite pull it off. Not only have you ruined your outfits, but you barely got out “Domaine Romanée Conti La Tache” the first time without choking on your tongue, and now you need another bottle, so you have to pronounce it again, which the waiter will make you do, even though he knows perfectly well what you ordered, because he just wants to laugh at “le américain stupide.”
Finally, your entrees arrive and, fortunately, the lights are low for romantic effect. Otherwise, you would not notice the faint green glow coming from your lamb, or, as the French say, “la lumière de l’agneau.”**
Lucky you! You and your lover ordered your lamb rare, but the meat you’ve been served is rare in quite another way. It has been genetically modified with glow-in-the-dark jellyfish!
So dig in!
Funny story how this happened: According to ABC News, “The lamb was born to a genetically modified ewe that had a gene derived from jellyfish, resulting in a ‘green fluorescent protein’ that makes certain cells florescent and is used to help researchers see how an affected area is working.”
Yes, that’s right. There was a green hue to the ewe.
Anyway, someone at the laboratory included the “agneau modifiée” along with some normal livestock that was sold into the marketplace. Authorities say this was an intentional act perpetrated by a disgruntled employee who has not yet been identified, possibly because the phrase “disgruntled employee” pretty much describes every worker in France.
When questioned about the lamb’s whereabouts, a French official replied “It has been consumed.”
It’s not clear why a grocery or a restaurant was buying its meat from a laboratory. But you’ll be upset to learn that, while it’s illegal to sell genetically modified food in France, it’s perfectly okay in America, which means you traveled all the way to Paris to dine on contraband jellyfish-infused lamb that you could have gotten much more easily in the good old U.S. of A.
That’ll teach you to be romantic.
In Other Delicious News…
Back on this side of the Atlantic, the Wayback Burger chain has begun selling Oreo Mudpie protein milk shakes with a secret ingredient. I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. The Oreo Mudpie milk shakes do not contain actual mud. That would be disgusting.
To be specific: Peruvian chocolate-flavored cricket powder. I do not know if the chocolate flavoring is added after the crickets are powderized or while they’re still alive.
According to the CNN report, “The cricket-infused shake is touted to have extra protein from farm-raised insects, an alternative to other animal products that carry a bigger carbon footprint.”
Well, first, I’m not sure I want any animals in my milkshake. Second, if I am going to have crickets in my milkshake, I want them to be free-range crickets. And third, if I want to do something for the environment, I’d really rather install solar panels.
However, I would like to call your attention to something that is even more unappetizing than either Day-Glo jellyfish lamb or Peruvian cricket shakes. Check out the other luscious-sounding Wayback offering in the ad at right.
Jerky milk shakes? That’s just wrong. Not to mention very unkosher.
See you soon.