Entry 467: Twenty Questions

I could look most of this stuff up, but that’s way too much work. So I’ll just ask you.

1. Why is it that, whenever you pause a TV show while someone is talking or pausemoving, they always look ridiculous in the frozen picture? Doesn’t that mean that our entire lives are made up of a series of embarrassing poses? (Sorry, Neil deGrasse Tyson–you don’t usually look like a chipmunk and I really do like you.)
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2. On Election Day, why don’t we have a way to show dissatisfaction without appearing to be apathetic? Every ballot should have a “None of the Above” choice, indicating that the voter took the time to vote, but wasn’t thrilled with any of the selections. If “None of the Above” wins an election, it has to be held again with all different candidates. Eventually, a decent person might run. He or she will probably lose, but at least we’ll have had a shot.
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anysize_cokesweettea[1]3. When fast food chains run promotions offering “Any size coffee–just 50¢” or “any size soft drink for $1,” what sort of person doesn’t take the largest size? Are they showing great restraint or extreme stupidity?
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4. When websites ask you to verify that you’re over 18, who says “no?”  Recently, while researching an upcoming post about vaping, I visited websites that asked “are you over 18 or under 18?”  When confronted by that choice, who would choose “under?” If you were going to do that, why would you go to that website in the first place? You’d have to be really stupid, wouldn’t you?  Or honest to a fault. It’s probably the same people who buy the small drink for $1.
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5. When a dentist treats a cavity, why does he use a drill? There’s already a hole, so what’s the drill for?  Who fills a hole by first making it bigger? Is it just because dentists like the whirring sound?
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6. Why do they make TV reporters stand at locations where nothing is 130426_RLA_rain[1]happening? You’ll see them out in blizzards or torrential downpours, reporting live on the search for somebody who committed a crime there three days ago. The criminal has probably left the scene by now; can’t the station let the reporter leave, too? Anything further that happens in the case isn’t likely to happen there, is it?  And if the poor schmoe is reporting on something mundane like a subway fare hike, is it really necessary for him to do it from a subway station?
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7. Should they really still be playing ice hockey in June? Yes, I know the other major sports play across seasons, but still…it’s ice, damn it! It should be thawed out by June!
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8. Whatever happened to plate spinning? Plate spinners used to be on The Ed Sullivan Show all the time. They’d have all these poles, and they’d start plates spinning on them, and then when a plate started slowing down, they’d run to that plate and re-spin it, until they had dozens of plates going as they ran from pole to pole. Have you seen a plate spinning act since The Ed Sullivan Show went off the air? What do those people do now–make pizzas? For that matter, what else did they do then?  There had to have been more to their acts, right?  I mean, even back in those innocent days, nobody bought tickets to see somebody spin plates for an hour, did they?
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9. Why do we have toenails? I understand that they’re vestiges of the days when we had claws, but, really, when was the last time you used your bare feet to eviscerate your dinner or get a good grip on a tree limb? Meanwhile, you’ve got to cut your toenails and worry about them becoming ingrown and, if you’re my wife, constantly get pedicures from Asian women. Come on, evolution–speed things up a little, will you? We don’t need these things anymore! And get rid of my ear hair while you’re at it!
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10. In this photo of Joyce Mitchell, the woman who allegedly helped those crocskillers escape from a NY prison, are those Crocs she’s wearing prison issue? And if so, are they meant as a crime deterrent?  (Cue Edward G. Robinson voice.) “You’ll be going to the big house, see. Yeah.  And not only that, you’ll have to wear ugly plastic shoes.”
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11. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, what exactly would it be doing to the wood? If you chuck a ball, you’re throwing it. So is that what a woodchuck would do to the wood if it could? We have a woodchuck in our backyard, and I’ve never seen him tossing a chunk of wood around. I’ve never seen him doing anything to wood. On the other hand, maybe he’s a groundhog.
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12. If a woodchuck can’t chuck wood, why is it called a woodchuck? Is a “chuck” a type of animal rather than a verb, and a woodchuck is just a chuck that lives in trees? Are there waterchucks? Is my groundhog really a groundchuck? If so, how many burgers can I make out of it?
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13. How do wild birds die of old age? I mean, you never see one just plummet out of the sky clutching its heart.
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14. If you get a death sentence and die in jail while awaiting execution, have you escaped? Sure, the result is the same, but the state didn’t get to exact its revenge. Isn’t that the whole point of a death sentence?
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15. When people say “each and every one of you,” who is included by “every” who wasn’t already included with “each?” I hate and detest overused cliches like that.
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16. How can it possibly make sense for a state that requires seatbelts to not require motorcycle helmets? The only possible logic has to be something like “If they crash the Harley at 80mph they’re goners anyway, so they might as well enjoy having their hair blow in the wind.”
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rick_santorum[1]17. When people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee run for president, do they really think they’re going to win? How delusional are these guys?  Do their families keep encouraging them, like a parent does when their kid strikes out for the 47th time?  (“It’s okay, Mike–as long as you tried your best.  You’ll get ’em in 2020.”)  Why doesn’t a confidant ever take these guys aside and say something like “Seriously, Rick, it’s time to take that job at the law firm.”  Or are they really just out to get contracts as pundits on 24-hour news networks?
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18. How big is egg-sized hail? Did you know that when reports talk about “golf ball sized hail,” that’s an actual measurement? The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has official designations for hail size, ranging from “marble” to “softball” and including 81¢ worth of loose change (penny-size, dime-size, and so on). But they also include walnuts, grapefruits and hen eggs. I get the use of balls and coins; they have to be a certain size. But was that egg-sized hail large, extra large or jumbo? Shouldn’t our official weather measurements be more exact?
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19. Are there a lot of psychologists out there who got started by opening an email with the subject line of “Help Others w/ a Psychology Degree!”? More importantly, is there any way to know who they are?
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20. What happened to scores? I don’t mean like you see in the sports section; I mean as in “Four score and seven years ago.” When Lincoln said that, everyone must have known what a “score” was. (Americans were also probably a lot better at math then.) I imagine you could have gone up to somebody and said “How old are you?” and they would have replied “Three score,” and you’d have known they were really very old, because folks mostly didn’t live long enough to get discounted movie tickets back then. So when did the ruling come down that we were just going to say “twenty, forty, sixty, etc.” from now on?
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I don’t have any more questions right now. Feel free to leave your answers as comments, but know that they should be snide or humorous rather than factual, because if I wanted to know the real answers, I could have looked them up.

See you soon.

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One Response to Entry 467: Twenty Questions

  1. Vinny says:

    I have a fatal allergy to shellfish. I always thought if I was on death row I would ask that my last meal be lobster or crab or even shrimp. Then I would die and take a pleasure away from them!

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