Entry 458: May I Suggest a Stationary Bike?

Well, you may have heard that Secretary of State John Kerry was injured recently while taking part in sensitive negotiations.

He was trying to negotiate the roads in Scionzier, France. On a bicycle. And he got into an accident. Although he was in France for an anti-ISIS meeting, authorities were quick to announce that the accident was probably not an act of terrorism. A source, who declined to be named, remarked off the record that it was much more likely an act of klutziness.

Kerry was airlifted to a hospital in Geneva because, really, don’t they send in helicopters when anybody falls off a bike? Turns out he has a broken leg.

Well, Secretary Kerry, you have my best wishes for a speedy recovery so that you are able to resume your critical two-wheeled activities, hopefully while remaining upright. But I think I speak for all Americans when I suggest that, when you do start riding again, you rethink your cycling apparel.

I mean, it’s just unseemly for a high-level statesman to be seen wearing beady little super-villain-slash-evil-scientist glasses and a helmet that makes it look like his head is on fire. Not to mention a skin-tight outfit that makes it clear he has attended a few too many state dinners, if you get my drift. Do you think Vladimir Putin would ever allow himself to be photographed this way? Of course not. He’d be shirtless. He’d be wearing army surplus cargo pants. And he’d be riding a horse, not a racing bike.

And what’s up with all the product placements, Mr. Kerry? Do you really think it’s

appropriate for our country’s representative to crucial international meetings to be a walking (okay, riding) advertisement for Garmin and Sharp? And, a week after the IRS admits that its records were hacked, how wonderful is it for Barracuda Networks, whose “best of breed products secure your organization’s threat vectors,” to have it’s logo on your chest.

And judging from that logo under your left shoulder, I guess you’re riding a Cervélo bicycle, which is manufactured in Canada. What’s the matter, sir, are American-made bikes not good enough for you to fall off of?

And Holowesko, John? An investment firm? That’s very Republican of you, isn’t it?

Were you similarly-attired when you went to the meetings for the Iran nuclear agreement? Did your suit jacket, perhaps, have a Haliburton logo? Were you wearing a Raytheon tie, just as a subtle hint? Did you hand out Shell Oil pens to everyone?

Why not get yourself a nice stationary bike, Secretary Kerry? Maybe one of those fancy ones with the built-in video screens that let you imagine you’re cycling through France. That would be a lot safer, don’t you think? And taxpayers wouldn’t have to pay for all the security that I’m sure was accompanying you on your Tour de Fall.

Plus–you could wear whatever the hell you wanted to.

See you soon.

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