Greetings, fellow Earthlings.
Have you realized that we’ve managed to live on this planet for hundreds of thousands of years–or 6,000 years if you’re one of those creationist morons–without an essential item?
Sure, we have water. Unless you live in Los Angeles and you’re not one of those liberal Hollywood types with the illegal immigrants watering your lawns despite the drought. And there’s plenty of food, unless you’re one of those lazy, unemployed freeloaders with your hand out for food stamps, or you live someplace where there doesn’t happen to be any food, in which case, why aren’t you packing up a U-Haul and moving?
There’s shelter galore–just look at all the tents in the world’s dozens of refugee camps. There are over 10 million people living in those right now, so they must be pretty good, right?
Clothing? Oh, we’ve got clothing, all right, although, I’ll admit, some of us have less than others. Hannah Davis, for instance, in spite of being Derek Jeter’s girlfriend, seems to have very little. But there are plenty of folks who get to wear layer upon layer–even when it’s warm. You see them on the street all the time.
Okay. So…food, water, clothing, shelter. What else could we possibly need?
Well, let’s be honest: we wouldn’t want to be without energy. I mean, if we didn’t need oil, all the sane people in the world could just tell all the Arabs to f*** off and go kill themselves. And we wouldn’t be at the mercy of those greedy, robber baron oil companies who are constantly destroying our environment trying to dig up and deliver oil and gas so they can rip us off. And sure, we could all go out and buy Teslas like sissy tree huggers, but somebody’s still got to provide the electricity for those and for our computers, so we can visit websites like catsthatlooklikehitler.com, which is a real thing with cats that really do. (There are hundreds of cats pictured on the site, which proves that Mengele was successful with at least one of his genetic experiments.)
Of course, it all comes down to money, right? The rich–mostly Jews–get richer while everyone else lives like white trash or black junkies or Latino gang members. Anyway, pretty soon “everyone else” will be Chinese…or at least Asians. Jeez, there are just so many of them! And they’re so good at math!
Okay. So…food, water, clothing, shelter, energy and money. There’s still something missing.
I know–we already have a huge quantity of flags. There are at least 200 national flags, 201 if you count Enclava’s, which is a cute little nation I recently wrote about and whose flag might actually be larger than the country. But we don’t have the flag–a single banner symbolizing that all of us here on Earth united in our humanity, even though we all hate each other.
Fortunately, a fish-loving Swedish student named Oskar Pernefeldt has taken care of that. He has designed the Flag of Earth (above) so that humans who go off into space have something to leave behind when they claim various planets regardless of any indigenous life that might be there.
Naturally, Penefeldt has produced a video explaining his design, and you can see it after you gaze in wonder at Kiera (right), who, despite being female, bears a striking resemblance to der Fuhrer.
I don’t need to watch Penefeldt’s video, however, since I have sat through many design presentations in my years in advertising (including one in which the design firm, after an extensive million+ dollar exploratory, explained why the logo for Grey Advertising should be orange) and know that they are all bull.
Obviously, the rings of the Flag of Earth are meant to represent the nooses we would all like to put around each others’ necks, and the blue is the water in which we would like to drown each other. “Tvärtom,” says Penefeldt. That’s Swedish for “on the contrary,” or possibly “pass the herring.” Since he’s an idealistic college student who is probably high all the time, he thinks that the flag “will show that everyone on Earth is connected, no matter the boundaries.”
Yeah, well here’s how connected we are: Can you even imagine all the countries of the world agreeing on one flag design? Of course not. It’s almost guaranteed that even a discussion of an Earth Flag design would lead to a world war and nuclear armageddon, rendering the debate moot.
On the plus side, though, if we ever did have an Earth Flag, I wouldn’t think we’d need a pledge of allegiance. I mean, what would the alternative be?
And a final question: where on Earth would an Earth Flag fly if an Earth Flag flew on Earth?
See you soon.