Dogs, like humans, can be subject to stereotyping. Just as not all Canadians are good at hockey, not all poodles are brilliant intellects. Just as not all Republicans are pro-life, not all King Charles Spaniels would like nothing better than to sit in your lap.
So I’ve designed a test to measure your dog’s Breed Quotient (BQ). The BQ does not indicate what breed your dog is, but, rather, what breed your dog temperamentally resembles. For instance, it might turn out that, although your pup is a black lab, he thinks he’s a Shih Tzu.
Instructions: Ask your dog for honest responses to each question and note the answer.
1. You’re walking in the park with your human and you see a stick. What is your immediate thought?
 A. “A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick! A stick!”
 B. “If I pick it up maybe he’ll throw it.”
 C. “I think I’ll pick it up and carry it around the park proudly as if it is a prized possession that I will pass down to my heirs.”
 D. “Ugh. A Stick. Who knows where it’s been.”
 E. “He can throw the stick if he wants but I’m chasing that bird.”
2. Your human picks up the stick and throws it. What do you do?
 A. Wonder where the stick went.
 B. Bound off after the stick, bring it back, drop it at his feet, and hope he throws it again.
 C. Go and get it. Otherwise, what will I leave for future generations?
 D. Look at him with disdain and annoyance. What the hell does he expect me to do? Bring it back? If he wanted the friggin’ stick, he shouldn’t have thrown it in the first place.
 E. Walk away and pretend I don’t know him.
3. Your human looks at you and says “Fido, sit.” She then pushes your tush to the ground, says “good boy,” and gives you a treat. She does this four or five times. What have you learned?
 A. That my name is Fidosit.
 B. That I should sit if she asks me to. Honestly, she can keep the treat, though. I’ll gladly do anything she asks.
 C. That if I sit when she asks I’ll get a treat.
 D. That if I want a treat, I can sit and look at her adorably and she’ll give me a treat even if she didn’t ask me to sit.
 E. That my human is an idiot.
4. When your human family is eating dinner, what do you do?
 A. Go into another room so they don’t yell at me for putting my big, muddy paws on the table.
 B. Sit nearby and whine occasionally in case someone wants to throw me a scrap.
 C. Sit under the table near the smallest human who is most likely to be a messy eater.
 D. Go from person to person, looking at each adorably.
 E. Watch TV.
5. What do you do when your human isn’t home?
A. Wonder if she’ll ever come back.
B. Sit anxiously by the window waiting for her return.
C. Get some sleep now that I finally have some peace and quiet.
D. Do that experiment I’ve been waiting to try wherein I see how far the toilet paper will go.
E. Whatever the hell I want.
6. If your human dressed you up for Halloween, what would you be?
A. Scoobee Do
C. A Disney princess
E. A stray; there’d be no way I’d stay with that moron.
7. What do you do when traveling in a car?
A. Stick my head out the window and let my ears and tongue flap around.
B. Hope we’re going someplace good.
C. Sit in my human’s lap even if she’s driving.
D. Sit in the back seat and look for goodies the kids left behind.
8. What’s your favorite thing to play with?
A. A tennis ball covered in dirt and drool.
B. A slipper.
C. A small rubber toy that squeaks, but not too loudly.
D. Three children and a soccer ball.
E. I do not play.
9. What’s your favorite way to play with another dog?
A .Wrestling in mud.
B. Sniffing its ass (I know it’s not technically “playing,” but I do enjoy it)
C. Playing hide and seek wherein I hide behind my human’s legs and hope the other dog doesn’t find me
D. Running in circles (the other dog can run with me or not; I really don’t care)
E. Staring at it until it goes away.
10. What’s the best reason to lick your human’s face?
A. Because I just ate some bird poop.
B. Because I love her.
C. Because she lets me sit on her lap when I do.
D. Because she was sloppy with the pasta sauce.
E. Because I have something stuck on my tongue.
11. Other than primates, bottlenose dolphins, elephants, orcas and European magpies are the only animals known to be self-aware. Some dog owners would disagree. Are you self-aware?
A. Of who?
B. No, I can play for hours with that dog in the window on my human’s closet door.
C. I am certainly aware that my self has body parts I can lick.
D. No, but I question the independence of that dog in the window on my human’s closet door.
E. Who else is there?
12. Fill in the blank: I would do anything for…
A. My alpha human.
B. My human family.
C. A treat.
D. The children in my house.
Give your dog one point for every “A” answer, two points for every “B” answer, three points for every “C” answer, four points for every “D” answer and five points for every “E” answer.
12-20 points: Your dog’s BQ is lovable but not too bright…probably some sort of hound.
21-32 points: Your dog’s BQ is active and loyal, but not overly brainy…possibly a terrier.
33-44 points: Even if you’ve got a St. Bernard, your pooch thinks he’s one of those small, fluffy, white dogs.
45-56 points: Your dog’s BQ is very smart, probably a sheltie, border collie, or Australian shepherd.
57-60 points: Take a closer look at your pet; you have a cat.
Over 60 points: We don’t know much about your dog, but you’re really bad at math.