Entry 449: Get Ready to Par-tay!

Well, I hope you’re well-rested, because this week is one of the most festive ones on the calendar, jam-packed with joyous celebrations.

The highlight, of course, will be Tuesday. That’s Cinco de Mayo, which falls on May 5th cinco-de-mayo[1]this year. As I’m sure you’re aware, it commemorates the day in 1862 when the Mexican army defeated the French army at the Battle of Puebla. Did you even know the French once occupied Mexico? Does it make you wonder why Taco Bell doesn’t serve crepes instead of burritos?

The thing is, Americans celebrating Cinco de Mayo is like Mexicans celebrating Quatro de Julio. But the beer companies, in their attempt to turn every day into a sudsathon (see Halloween and Santa Pub Crawls), are running advertising depicting beautiful and trendy men and women consuming copious amounts of brew while wearing sombreros.

Fortunately, the day before Cinco de Mayo is for the opposite audience: the nerds and the outliers. It’s Star Wars Day, the only holiday based entirely on a pun. (“May the Fourth be Dex_in_the_kitchen[1]with you”–get it?). Whereas you’ll see tons of inebriated revelers spilling out of bars on May 5th, you won’t see any celebrants on May 4th, because they’ll all be indoors viewing Star Wars marathons while dressed as their favorite characters and ingesting Umgullian Blob Candy and Alderaanian Ale.

After all that eating and drinking on Monday and Tuesday, there are sure to be many nauseous people on Wednesday. Too bad that’s National Nurses Day. Good luck trying to find a sober RN to help pump your stomach.

In any case, you’d better be recovered by Thursday, because that’s National Tourism Day, when municipalities and tourism sites around the country promote their area or region. Of course, if they are successful, then everyone will be traveling on National Tourism Day and nobody will be left at home to promote their area, which means that no one will visit anywhere, and everyone will stay home to promote their area, all to no avail, since nobody’s coming.

Consequences such as these should be more seriously considered before declaring national holidays.

Friday is No Socks Day. As previously reported in this blog, I am misopodist (someone sockswho hates the sight of feet), and so I find the very idea of a No Socks Day to be a horrifying concept. I am frankly sick to my stomach just inserting the photo at right into this post.

You probably think No Socks Day was created by the National Sandals Association, but, as usual, you’re wrong. For one thing, there doesn’t appear to be a National Sandals Association, and, for another, the American Apparel & Footwear Association has nothing to do with No Socks Day.

You see, No Socks Day is an environmental holiday. While it’s not immediately evident why exposing unaesthetic, stinky feet to the air would help the environment, the creators of No Socks Day think that not wearing socks will help the planet by reducing your laundry load. Really. I guess they couldn’t get any traction with National No Underwear Day,* especially since it would be more difficult to know who’s celebrating.

Saturday is International Migratory Bird Day, when birds all over the world take time out to ask the burning question “Where the hell are we going?” It’s a great day for we humans to stop and appreciate the natural majesty of our avian friends, and to invite them to visit our towns. They will, too, if you did a good job on National Tourism Day.

And that brings us to Mothers’s Day, next Sunday. I know, it’s tough for mom to compete with the likes of 19th century Mexican battles and the Clone Wars, but at least she’ll be happy to wash your smelly socks.

See you soon.

*After writing this, I looked it up, and, while there isn’t a No Underwear Day, there is a National Commando Day. But it’s not an environmental holiday.

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One Response to Entry 449: Get Ready to Par-tay!

  1. Vinny says:

    But Mark, you forgot that Thirsday is The Blues Music Awards in Memphis (since The Grammy Awards now ignore this great American artform they are even more important) and Friday is my mom’s Birthday! LOL

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