Welcome to another episode of “So You’re Dead; Now What?”–the blog that introduces you to new and innovative ways to dispose of lifeless bodies.
I’m not talking about that Jehovah’s Witness you just murdered for ringing your bell during Game of Thrones; you’re on your own with that sort of thing. (A tip, though: be sure to bury all those copies of The Watchtower along with the deceased disciple.)
No, this is about being as trendy in death as you no doubt were in life, which will be particularly appropriate if you died of an overdose of powdered alcohol.
In past posts, I’ve told you about home funerals, in which you get to perform all the burial preparations on your loved one in your own home instead of paying a professional to do it in a facility designed for such procedures. If you follow the readily-available instructions to the T, your last bout of projectile vomiting will coincide almost perfectly with the end of the prescribed mourning period, and then you can get on with your life, preferably in a new residence.
I’ve also told you about companies like LifeGem that can turn your loved one’s ashes into a precious diamond. This is a great idea if you’ve lost a spouse; you can use your last wife to get engaged to your next one.
Most recently, I wrote about Celestis, a firm that will be happy to launch your loved one’s ashes into space where they might meet the ashes of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and ask for their autographs.
And now my very own daughter has let me know about something called the Bios Urn. I’m pretty sure I should be upset about my offspring offering me burial options. It’s as if she’s saying, “Dad, you’re really old and I want the puppy.” But I let it slide because, a)it’s understandable that she’d want the puppy (pictured at left) since he’s so cute, and b) I thought the Bios Urn was a fascinating concept.
What’s a Bios Urn, you ask? About 2,500 drachmas an hour. Oh, wait. That joke only works with a Grecian urn.
The Bios Urn, like many urns, is a receptacle for your loved one’s ashes. Except, instead of putting Gramma on your mantel so that klutzy Aunt Tillie can knock her into a bowl of cheese dip, you plant the urn in the ground. Gramma will then become a beautiful tree waiting for a storm to come along so she can fall on your house to get even with you for spending just $145 on a Bios Urn instead of buying the $1,425.00 hand-polished bronze urn she’d put on her Wish List at urns.com. You confirmed what she’d thought about you her whole life, you cheap bastard.
Of course, you’ve always been able to have trees planted in memory of your loved one, but this is the first time you can have a tree planted on top of your loved one. You just stick the whole urn in the ground, and…
“…Thanks to Bios Urn structure, the seed germinates in the top capsule, separated from the ashes. Once the urn starts to biodegrade seed roots are already strong enough to contact the ashes. With biodegradation the entire set becomes part of the sub-soil.”
It’s unclear what happens next, but, supposedly, sometime in the future, your grandkids will be climbing an oak tree with branches that looks suspiciously like Gramma’s arms with all the flab above the elbow.
The company behind Bios Urn envisions a day when, instead of using up land to bury our dead, we’ll turn “death into a transformation and a return to life through nature.” Instead of acres of headstones, we’ll have forests, and good luck figuring out which tree to take your children to visit on the anniversary of your ex-wife’s passing. (“Hey, kids, that’s the beech over there!”)
If the Bios Urn sounds like a good idea to you, or if you’re just sick of having to dust your grandfather’s 1964 Ford Mustang Seamless Silver Cube Resin Cremation Urn ($79.95), you might be wondering if you can use old ashes with your new Bios Urn. Fortunately, there is an FAQ on the URL that addresses exactly that:
- Q: Can I use Bios Urn with old ash?
A: (The Bios Urn) may be used with ash saved from another urn. As such, if you already have the ash in your house, you may purchase the urn and plant it wherever you want.
This leads me to believe it can also be used with ash from your fireplace, or from your Marlboro Light. For that matter, I wouldn’t be surprised if you can use it with that cheese dip Aunt Tillie was about to spice up. Basically, you’re burying something and then planting a tree on top of it.
Like many of the memorial methods I mentioned at the top of this post, Bios Urns are also available for pets. According to the website, the only difference between the Bios Urn for humans and the Bios Urn for pets is the label on the Bios Urn, although the pet version really should come pre-seeded with a dogwood tree, don’t you think?
In any case, perhaps those pesky squirrels will think twice before scurrying up the tree that was Fido.
In conclusion, I’d like to say to my daughter that, all things being equal, I’d rather be a diamond.
See you soon.