Entry 431: But Is the Coffee Drinkable?

Well, big news from KFC, the folks who brought us the horrifying KFC Famous Bowl®:kfc_famous_bowl_03[1]

A generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of our crispy chicken, drizzled with our signature home-style gravy and top it off with a shredded three cheese blend.

No one would ever accuse me of being a healthy eater. My wife and daughter would probably tell you that my palate has the sophistication of a 5-year-old’s, and, for the most part, my philosophy is “if it can’t be put on a sandwich, it’s not worth eating.”

But even I find the description above nauseating (not to mention ungrammatical). So imagine my disgust when I learned that, probably in the near future, KFC will be telling us we can eat the bowl, too.

I base this prediction on actual news from KFC that they are introducing edible coffee cups.

According to The Daily Meal® website, the cups are “made of a thin biscuit wrapped in sugar paper and lined with white chocolate.”

cupThe KFC cups, which they are calling “Scoff-ee Cups” for no reason that I can figure out (maybe because we are supposed to scoff at them?), were reportedly developed in partnership with food scientists at the Robin Collective. I don’t know about you, but I try to avoid any food developed by scientists…at least until we see what the death toll is after 10 years or so. But if there really is such a thing as sugar paper, I think they should use it to print everything said by politicians. You know, so they can eat their words.

To make these Scoff-ee Cups even more appetizing, they have been infused with “a variety of ambient aromas, including Coconut Sun Cream, Freshly Cut Grass and Wild Flowers.” A spokesperson for the Robin Collective is quoted as saying, “These scents were used in our recipes as they have a natural ability to evoke the positive memories we associate with warm weather, sunshine, and summer holidays. Things that make everyone smile.”

Okay, first, I would prefer not to have my coffee smell like one of those things hanging from the rear-view mirror in a taxicab.  And second, what the hell is sun cream? Do they mean suntan lotion? A coffee cup that smells of suntan lotion? That you want me to eat?

WTF?

But, okay. Let’s say I stop by the local KFC for my morning cup of joe (because doesn’t everybody go to the fried chicken place for breakfast?), and now I’m in my car, coffee in its cupholder, driving to work with a big smile on my face because my coffee smells of freshly cut grass (yum!), and once the coffee is gone, I eat the cup for breakfast because, as it turns out, KFC doesn’t have any breakfast meals, not even a KFC Famous Breakfast Bowl, which I am hereby creating and want full credit for:

A generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of our crispy chicken, drizzled with our signature home-style gravy and top it off with a shredded three cheese blend. And bacon. And pancake syrup.

Where was I? Right, my car. So I’m gobbling my coffee cup when I remember that the receptacle which had been holding it was also home to 47¢ in loose change, a used tissue, a couple of fuzzy Altoids, and whatever other schmutz had accumulated since the last time we had the car washed.

So consuming something called “sugar paper” is the least of my problems.

Interestingly, KFC is introducing the Scoff-ee Cup only in England as part of its launch of Seattle’s Best Coffee at KFCs in the UK. You may think it’s odd that a company with “Kentucky” in its name would launch a product with “Seattle” in its name in a country with “Kingdom” in its name.

My first thought was that they wanted to start in a nation known for cuisine which might make its citizens think dinnerware is a gourmet delicacy. But then I realized the real reason.

If they launched edible coffee cups in America, how long do you think it would be before the lawsuits began piling up from people seeking damages because they burned themselves by eating the cup before the coffee was gone? I mean, McDonald’s was successfully sued for serving hot coffee in a non-edible cup!

Anyway, now that KFC is introducing edible coffee cups, can edible bowls be far behind?

See you soon.

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