A couple of years ago around Thanksgiving, I wrote about what I called “Russian Doll Food”– turduckens and all its offshoots like the veggieducken, the fictional turbriskafil from The Big Bang Theory and the possibly-actually-existing superducken from the Italian province of Nuoro: a young bull, stuffed with a goat, stuffed with a piglet, then a hare, then a partridge, and then an unspecified “small bird.”
The turducken now has so many imitators, I’m surprised the concept hasn’t spread into other product categories. People have so little time these days; it seems natural that they’d want to do several things at once, just as the turducken allows us to eat several things at once. It’s kind of like hyper multi-tasking; we simply need the tools that let us do it.
For instance, let’s say you want to watch daytime talk shows while you’re prepping your cranyambean casserole, the side dish for your turducken. It will only take you about an hour, though, so how can you watch all your favorites in that brief period? Simple–just tune to The Dr. Phillen Harviera Show and enjoy Dr. Phil, Ellen, Steve Harvey and Meredith Viera at the same time.
Your whole family arrives on Thursday, but you have limited parking, so they all come in one vehicle, their shiny new 2015 Smarcoocammer–A Smart Car inside a Mini Cooper inside a Camry inside a Hummer.
You know from past experience that the only way everyone is going to get through the day without screaming at each other is if you get them rip-roaring drunk, and you want to do that as quickly as possible, so you serve bovoskila on the rocks. It’s amazing how instantly people get smashed when drinking bourbon, vodka, scotch and tequila all at once. Don’t forget to add the chelivionella.* Cheerskoal’chaim!
Then you all sit down to have the first course, which you’ve prepared especially to welcome the newest members of your extended clan, Jacques and Selena Goldberg. She’s Mexican, he’s French and they’re both Jewish (thus, they are “mensches”), so you’ve made creburrintzes: a crepe inside a burrito inside a blintz. It’s about the size and shape of a log, and it’s covered in salsa, sour cream and powered sugar. Yum!
The quietest place in the house is over by the kids’ table, where nobody is talking or eating because they’re all involved with their iPhopopads. They’re probably texting snide comments to each other about the way Aunt Sylvia shoved an entire creburrintz into her mouth.
For dessert, you serve a cherpumple, which is a real thing. It’s a cherry, an apple and a pumpkin pie, each surrounded by a different kind of cake and baked inside one another. Finally, everybody crams back into the Smarcoocammer and goes home, leaving you with a gigantic mess which, fortunately, you can clean up in a jiffy with your robotic, cyclonic vacuum, the Roombadoover.
Then right to bed, because you have to wake up early the next day and get to J.C. Mactarmart for the Black Friday sales.
On Saturday, you want to see a movie, but you can’t decide which one because they release all these great films at the same time around the holidays. So you go to your local multiplex for the 2:30 showing of Intostellexojay** and you devour your bucket of buttered gummydudchos while you watch.
Sunday is a day of rest and worship, and since you’re a Christian who married a Jew and your daughter has converted to Islam, you go to your Churmosquegogue for services. The Rabimister gives an inspiring sermon.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend and best wishes for a merry Chriskwanzikah.
See you soon.
*Cherry, olive, onion and umbrella.
**Into the Woods, Interstellar, Exodus and Mockingjay, starring Christian McLeep.