By now you’re aware of the virus that is a looming threat to all Americans. What you may not know, however, is that it has not been contained, and that it has spread far beyond Dallas and New York.
Obviously, I’m talking about ATCV-1, otherwise known as “the stupid virus.”
It is a real thing, and it explains so much about our country.
I read about ATCV-1 on AOL, which means I’ve already caught it. According to the article, ATCV-1 was initially only known to appear in algae, but now researchers believe the virus may be transferred to humans through DNA. It is unclear if people have to exchange bodily fluids with the algae in order to catch it.
Scientists conducted a study with 92 participants. Forty tested positive for the virus and they did worse on cognitive and intelligence tests. The other 52 probably managed to be stupid without having the virus.
Why is everyone so worried about ebola, which has infected, at last count, three people on American soil, while ATCV-1 has victimized 43% of the…well, of the people in that study? I think it’s safe to extrapolate the results from those 92 people to the entire population, don’t you?.
Heaven knows, we’re certainly susceptible to this virus. Our resistance to dumb things is, perhaps, at an all-time low. Forget about airborne contagions; you can catch stupid just by watching a session of Congress on C-Span!
So why haven’t the authorities done anything about this? Why hasn’t the media been inundating us with scary logos proclaiming a “STUPID OUTBREAK!”?
Well, there was a rumor that the government had been trying to quarantine the virus in Texas, but judging from the signs I’ve seen recently on New York City highways, I’d say they failed. The signs say “STAY AWAKE. STAY ALIVE” which, I’m sure, act as strong deterrents to all drivers who were thinking “I believe I’ll take a nap now while I’m speeding along on the Hutchinson River Parkway.” As I mentioned a few months ago when I reported on NYC’s campaign to “use Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr to reach young men, who are most likely to crash into pedestrians,” you cannot tell people not to do something they do accidentally. Why would the authorities in a major city think that it’s a wise move to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in an attempt to alter unintentional behavior?
Oh, right. The stupid virus.
Anyway, after careful observation, I have determined why ATCV-1 has been allowed to spread unchecked through our nation without so much as a peep from the CDC. And I will now reveal the secret while you are still coherent enough to understand what I’m saying.
Our political and industrial leaders depend on our stupidity.
For all we know, they may even be covertly adding algae to the water supply to make us stupider. How else to explain some of the results of this year’s elections? Why else would we allow billions of dollars in SuperPac spending to influence our political process? What other possible reason could there be for Keeping Up With the Kardashians? How else could a large food company expect people to rush out to purchase KFC’s “Loaded Potato Bowl” consisting of…
“…premium mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, hand-breaded and diced extra-crispy tenders topped with our new bacon cheese sauce, green onions and our three-cheese blend.”
In case you think your intelligence is too diminished to have read that correctly, yes, it is, in fact, three-cheeses on top of bacon cheese sauce on top of gravy. I am not exaggerating when I say that I actually gagged while watching a commercial for it. Then I ran out to Taco Bell for a Double Decker Taco Supreme (a burrito inside a taco!). Oh, and a side of algae.
There is some good news in all of this: at least we can take comfort in knowing that there is an excuse for our stupidity.
Otherwise, we’d just have to assume we come by it naturally.
See you soon.