Entry 387: …Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Welcome back to another episode of “What’s That You’ve Got in Your Underwear?”

This isn’t about the usual things people put in their underwear, like male ballet dancers using rolled up socks; or a Maryland official who tried to thwart a sting operation by hiding $80,000 in cash in her underwear; or the woman (I assume) who asked the following question on Yahoo Answers:

If I take a gram of weed, wrap the bag in a dryer sheet (to get rid of the smell) wrap that in plastic wrap, and then stick it in my bra, will I get caught in an airport?*

No, I’m talking about weird stuff people put in their underwear. And let me tell you, it balls-of-fire[1]almost never ends well.

For instance, do you remember Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab? Of course you don’t. Well you do, but not by name. He was the guy who stuffed explosives in his tighty whities and tried to blow up a plane on Christmas Day, 2009. He didn’t get the death penalty because the judge figured it was a, um, stiffer penalty to get a life sentence without possibility of ever being called anything but “the Underwear Bomber.”

I never understood his motives anyway. I mean, what good are the 72 virgins going to do you after you’ve detonated something down there?

More recently in the world of Law & Order: BVD, we have the case of Kai Xu, a Canadian who was arrested at the border for trying to smuggle items into the U.S. by hiding them in his underwear. The items were live turtles. More than 50 of them.

I know what you’re thinking: “They must have been boxers, right?”

Well, yes, some of them were box turtles, but there were also diamondback Terrapins, red_ear_slider1[1]endangered spotted turtles and red-eared sliders, which, according to The Patch article that reported this news, “are considered one of the world’s worst invasive species.”

The smuggler could have used that as an excuse for how they got into his underwear.

Evidently, not all the turtles were in Xu’s undergarments. Some were strapped to various parts of his body. Fortunately, an eagle-eyed officer at the border “noticed irregularly shaped bulges under (his) sweatpants on both his legs.”

The officer knew right away something was amiss. I’m guessing he also suspected that Xu wasn’t smuggling drugs, because those bulges wouldn’t have been irregularly shaped. Or moving.

In Xu’s defense, I should point out that he’s not a total idiot. At least he wasn’t wearing snapping turtles.

Finally in the “why would you put that in your underwear?” department, we have…caffeine.

No, people were not trying to smuggle coffee. They were trying to lose cellulite.

That was the promised result of wearing undergarments “infused with microencapsulated M-D-Science-Lab-Maximum-Strength-MaxSize-Male-Enhancement-699439006013[1]caffeine, retinol, and other ingredients.” These were sold by Norm Thompson and other mail order companies, and prompted the marketer of Max Size Male Enhancement Tablets to send Norm Thompson a scathing letter about giving mail order a bad name.**

I can just imagine the creative department at these catalogues and websites when they were given the assignment to write copy for this line of underwear. At the ad agencies I used to work at, we would have been jumping all over each other with one-liners:

“You want cream in your panties?”

“They come in beige, taupe and decaf.”

“My vagina is a little jittery today.”

“‘No, honey, that’s a coffee stain.'”

“They come in three sizes: tall, grande and venti.”

And so on.

Shockingly, the Federal Trade Commission has fined Norm Thompson and other marketers of the product for”making false and unsubstantiated claims about their shapewear.” The director of the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection said. “If someone says you can lose weight by wearing the clothes they are selling, steer clear.”

If I were you, I would also avoid wearing turtles.

See you soon.

*Short answer: yes. Plus the dryer sheet may chafe.

**Not really. Although Max Size Male Enhancement Tablets is a real product.

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