Mark: Hello again, everybody, and welcome to Offensive Fashion Week. It’s your stalwart fashion reporter here, in my sweatpants and t-shirt with an unidentified stain, and I’m joined by fashion expert Heidi Klueless to tell you about the very latest trends in haute couture, which is French for “You’ll buy anything, won’t you?” What’s big this year, Heidi?
Mark: And here’s our first model, from the international clothing retailer Zara.
Heidi: Oh, this is just an adorable children’s top. The blue and white horizontal stripes will turn heads among the kindergarten set, as will the yellow star over the chest which recalls an earlier era.
Mark: Um, wouldn’t that earlier era be the one when people were in concentration camps?
Heidi: Oh, Mark, you’re so sensitive. Those shirts had vertical stripes. Besides, Zara says any resemblance is unintentional and that the look was inspired by sheriffs’ stars from classic Western films.
Mark: I don’t remember John Wayne ever wearing blue horizontal stripes.
Heidi: Of course not. Most of those old movies were in black and white. And you know what’s interesting?
Mark: What’s that, Heidi?
Heidi: Oh, Tim Gunn would love this. It’s both whimsical and deadly, and the directive to “Stay Calm and Return Fire” will make everyone duck and take notice.
Mark: I’ll tell you who took notice. The security folks at Six Flags. They wouldn’t let a veteran into the park wearing this shirt, which, I have to say, is a bit hypocritical considering they have Yosemite Sam walking around.
Heidi: I hear the NRA is suing Six Flags on the grounds that the ban on this shirt constitutes gun control.
Mark: Very funny, Heidi. You are kidding, right?
Mark: Yes, the shirt is remarkable for the sheer number of ways it is offensive. I know Abercrombie is often criticized for depicting teenagers wearing little or no clothing, but near-naked 16-year-olds might be preferable to this line of shirts. And what’s that the model is holding?
Heidi: Oh, it’s a wonderful accessory. The 9/11 Cheese Plate, with three little hearts where the planes went down.
Heidi: That would be the 9/11 Memorial Museum, Mark. According to it’s website, its mission is “to memorialize those who lost their lives — and to ensure, once again, that the world will ‘never forget.’”
Mark: With cheese? Cheese is going to remind me about 9/11?
Heidi: And maybe some grapes, Mark. It’s all in the plating. Here’s our last model…oh, this is extraordinary–it’s Urban Outfitters’ Vintage College Sweatshirt collection, led by the wonderfully retro Kent State Sweatshirt, faded and authentic right down to the…
Mark: Is that blood?
Heidi: No, silly. There you go being sensitive again. Urban Outfitters says it’s, and I quote, “discoloration from the original shade of the shirt.”
Mark: But it’s in all the Kent State shirts, right? And none of the other colleges’? The Bates sweatshirt doesn’t have discoloration. The Harvard one doesn’t. I mean, they wouldn’t normally sell shirts with discolorations on them, would they?
Mark: You’ll look like you just stepped out of a massacre.
Heidi: Sure, people died, but that shouldn’t stop you from dressing down in this comfy-looking blast from the past!
Mark: Well, that will do it from Offensive Fashion Week.
Mark: And designed by major idiots. See you soon.