Entry 376: The Wedding Blog Part XXIX: Good Chance of a Shower

Labor Day, 2014: It’s 9:48 on the morning after, and the phone has been ringing since 9. Everyone is calling my wife Barbara to tell her what a splendid party it was.

They’re calling on our land line and Barb’s cell, so it must have been a really great party. I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t there.

Of course, I am not talking about the actual wedding, which won’t be until next month, boosand which I’m planning to attend. I’m talking about one of the many pre-wedding parties that are available these days in order to ensure that the couple receives every single item on their registry–even the $10.52 bottle of John Boos Mystery Butcher Block Oil which is a real thing that my daughter Casey and her fiancé Alex have really registered for.

You can have engagement parties, bachelorette parties, bridal showers and passion parties, which are kind of like Tupperware Parties but with very different kinds of products for sale, the vast majority of which do not have airtight seals.

The party about which I’m writing this morning–it’s now 10:10 and Barb is still on the phone–is the shower.

It took place yesterday, at Barbara’s sister’s house, where dozens of women (and two of Casey’s lifelong gay friends) gathered to give Casey presents; and play Casey trivia games (“Who did Casey have a crush on in middle school?”*); and give Casey marital advice on index cards. (Judging from the most frequently-written wisdom, the secret to a long marriage is making sure your spouse takes out the garbage.)

peepsAs I said, I wasn’t there, but I’ve seen the photos, and it looks like Casey got to wear a tasteful flashing bridal crown (which I’m almost certain cost a lot less than her bridal gown), and everyone passed around an extremely disturbing book called The ABCs of Sex, which somebody had given Casey as an engagement gift, and which consists of explicit illustrations of various sexual acts as performed by what appear to be gummy bears, or maybe the marshmallow candies they sell around Easter. Like John Boos Mystery Butcher Block Oil, this Peep Porn, too, is a real thing.

So, now it’s 11:00, and Barb has been off the phone long enough for us to take all of yesterday’s gifts out of the car and stack them in our basement, where they will remain until Casey and Alex buy a home or Barb and I decide to open a housewares store, whichever comes first. This process took a tad longer than it should have, because Barbara was considering which gifts we might abscond with (“Oooh, I like this pillow!”)

Now Barbara is back on the phone with our friend Ellen, who helped design yesterday’s party in a sunflower theme, which is why we now have sunflowers all over our house. I can hear Barb’s side of the conversation from my office; it sounds like they are discussing some of the other women who were there.

nikoleribbons2Men don’t do any of this stuff. They just have one party, and if they later discuss the women who were there, they make sure their spouses can’t overhear them.

Also, if there are gifts at all, they won’t be from the registry, unless the couple has inexplicably signed up for “Bachelor Party Drinking Team” t-shirts.

Also, in most cases, one of the guys isn’t collecting all the ribbons and bows from the gifts and making them into a remembrance of the occasion.

Also, that party will probably not be in a sunflower theme.

caseyHowever, the men’s party is much more likely to result in a video that one of the revelers, before sobering up, will put online, possibly causing the premature end to the marriage, maybe even prior to the wedding.

And taking out the garbage isn’t going to help.

See you soon.

*Answer: One of the gay friends who was at the shower. Don’t ask.

 

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