Way back in December, when we chose the Norwalk Aquarium for our daughter Casey’s October wedding to her fiancé Alex, we were aware that we were making things harder on ourselves.
We knew, even as we paid the facility fee, that having the event in a hotel was the way to go, so that everyone could be in one place, and inebriated guests would only have to stagger up to a nearby room.
But noooooooo, we couldn’t do it the easy way.
So we have a very nice, unusual venue. And we have a hotel that is 2 1/2 miles away from the very nice, unusual venue. And we have about 62 out-of-towners who we have to get from one place to the other. And I’m pretty sure nobody’s going to perfect a teleportation device before October.
It might not be so bad if all 62 of those people will be going from one place to the other at the same time. Then we could just hire one big bus, or maybe one of those amphibious “duck vehicles” they have roaming around cities these days, which would be an appropriate way to transport people to an aquarium.
But noooooooo, all the people will not be on the move simultaneously.
Some will have to arrive at the venue early for photographs. Some will not even be traveling to the venue from the hotel, but rather, from our house, which is 15 miles away. These house-to-venue people will be the bride and bridesmaids, who will be at our house for hair and makeup. There will be too many of those house-to-venue people for one normal vehicle, or even three, considering that these house-to-venue people will be dressed in what I’ll refer to as large clothing.
So, in addition to a conveyance from the hotel to the aquarium, we’ll need one from our house to the aquarium. Right now, we’re thinking maybe one of those ridiculous-looking stretch limos, although if we use one of those, we’ll have to leave super-early due to the amount of time it will take for the bride and all the bridesmaids in their large clothing to crawl through the stretch limo in order to get out.
But that would be okay if those house-to-venue people will be going directly from the house to the venue.
But noooooooo, those house-to-venue people, even though they are called house-to-venue people, will not be going directly from the house to the venue.
That’s because they’re probably going to have to stop at the hotel on the way to check in and drop off their bags, so that they don’t have to do that after the wedding, when we naturally assume they’ll be incoherent and barely able to remain upright. Plus, if you believe all the wedding superstitions we’ve read, they’ll all be carrying slices of wedding cake to put under their pillows.
So they’ll have to leave the house super-super early due to the amount of time it will take for the bride and all the bridesmaids in their large clothing to crawl through the stretch limo in order to get out at the hotel, check in, drop off their bags, crawl back into the stretch limo in their large clothes, drive the 2 1/2 miles to the venue, and crawl out of the limo again. And by then, they’ll likely all need touch-ups to their hair and make-up before taking pictures. So instead of the limo and all that moving around of large clothing, I believe we’ll just rent a conference room at the hotel and do hair and make-up there, possibly while somebody gives a motivational PowerPoint presentation.
But okay, so we get everybody to the aquarium at all these various times. Then there will be some sort of ceremony, followed by some sort of party. Then we have to get everybody out of there again.
At least then everyone will be venue-to-hotel people. But they probably won’t all want to leave at the same time. Some of them have kids, for instance, and they’ll want to leave earlier so they can have some peace (the kids would leave on the later bus).
But okay, so we do two or three shuttles and we’re done.
But noooooooo, it turns out we really should feed them something the next day.
My wife Barbara thought that we’d bring some breakfasty kind of food into the house and everyone would come over. But that would mean we’d be creating a whole bunch of hotel-to-house people who, although they would presumably not be wearing large clothing, might have pieces of wedding cake hanging from their hair. And later in the day, many of those folks may become house-to-hotel people so they can pick up their bags and go to wherever they’re going.
So we will host a brunch at the hotel. And that’s it.
Come on, Scotty, can’t you just beam them over?
See you soon.