I’ve never trusted clouds.
I’m not talking about your cumulus or your nimbus, although the latter can be kind of sneaky at times, darkening the skies so that you rush to put covers on all your patio furniture, but then…nothing. And I’m certainly not referring to your tsuris clouds, which don’t have precipitation but bring such heartache into your day.*
No, I’m talking about the omnipresent electronic cloud that hangs ominously over all of us, ready to disgorge its contents in a drenching downpour of data that you know one day is going to get us really friggin’ soaked.
It drizzled a bit last weekend, when the nude photos of a long list of celebrities caused a flash flood of fury, as stars expressed outrage over the invasion of their privacy…and private parts.
Most people assume that somebody hacked into the iCloud since it’s obvious that somebody hacked into something, given the clear lack of randomness in the pictures that were leaked. You had your Jennifer Lawrence, your Caley Cuoco, your Kate Upton. But let’s just say that, for some reason, Seth Rogen was glaringly missing. Although, according to reports, Kate Upton’s boyfriend’s tush may have made a cameo appearance.
Some of the celebrities, like Victoria Justice, have claimed the photos were not of them. Ms. Justice tweeted, “These so called nudes of me are FAKE people.”
I haven’t seen the photos, but I’ll bet that, while they might not really be Victoria Justice, they are real people, and that Ms. Justice should learn about commas.
Regarding Kate Upton, I’d have to ask if it was really worth the effort of hacking her photos. I don’t know how much actual work is involved in hacking, but how much more to you really need to see than what is readily available on your newstand?
I did Google “Jennifer Lawrence Nude,” because I think Ms. Lawrence is a tremendous actress, and I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her. She has admitted that the photos released last weekend were, in fact, of her, although, judging from the wide variety of breast sizes that came up on my Google search, I’d say she’s had her face Photoshopped onto other bodies a few times.
Anyway, you’ll be happy to know the FBI is on the case, just as they investigated previous leaks of nude photos of Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis and others. And a spokeswoman for Apple immediately stated that the security issue in the iCloud had been fixed. She then ran off, possibly to try to delete some compromising selfies.
Meanwhile, Apple has since denied responsibility for the leaks, which makes me wonder what exactly they fixed.
I think this episode clearly demonstrates that I am right not to trust the cloud. Nothing seems to be completely impervious to hacking. Sure, I order a ton of merchandise online with a credit card, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to put stuff out there, especially nude photos, although in my case they might serve as a strong deterrent to hacking into my accounts. Frankly, I’m even uncomfortable knowing that my Kindle selections are in a cloud somewhere; I wouldn’t want my love of young adult fiction exposed like Kate Upton’s boyfriend’s butt.
But there’s something else about this story that nobody is mentioning. And to introduce it, let me ask you a personal question. Yes, you.
Are there naked photographs of you floating around in the cloud?
More than likely, your answer was no. That’s because you’re not a celebrity (to my knowledge, no celebrities read this blog). And most normal people don’t make a habit of posing for nude photographs, or taking nufies, which is a term I just made up for a naked selfie.**
So what is it with celebrities? Whether or not the pictures are intended for public consumption, unless they’re doing a nude scene or posing for a publication, why do they feel the need to expose themselves all the time?
Don’t get me wrong–even celebrities have a right to privacy, and if they want to have pictures of their posteriors for posterity, they have every right to do so. I’m just wondering what their reason is to do so.
In any case, I hope we’ve all learned a valuable lesson: Get your head (and other body parts) out of the clouds!
See you soon.
P.S. As a public service, the Huffington Post has published a 3-step method for keeping your uploaded nude photos safe from people who might hack into the iCloud. Step 1 is “Take Your Photos Off the iCloud.” This is akin to the advice Henny Youngman’s doctor gave him when Youngman complained that “It hurts when I do this.”*** I would suggest that an even better first step would be to not take and upload your nude photos in the first place.
*If you’re a goy, you may not appreciate this ethnic joke. Or know what a goy is.
**And I want full credit for it.
***”Don’t do that.” Really? You’ve never heard that one?^
^I bet Henny Youngman never uploaded nude photos of himself.