There are two sides to the gun debate in this country: those who believe that every American should have the right to own and carry pretty much any weapon they can get their hands on, and sane people.
I like to think of myself as being in the second group, except, perhaps, when I call tech support and get someone in Calcutta who keeps saying, “I am so sorry for you having this problem,” even though he clearly has no clue what my problem is, because I’ve tried to describe it to him, like, five times, and his only response is “I am so sorry for you having this problem,” and finally I have to scream “CAN I SPEAK TO SOMEONE IN AMERICA EVEN IF HE DOESN’T SUPPORT WEAPON BACKGROUND CHECKS!”
Whoa, my aim went awry for a second there. Where was I? Right, guns.
Let’s say even sane people are willing to concede the right to own a hand gun (for self defense, of course) and a rifle or shotgun (for hunting, of course).
So let’s talk about automatic weapons of the type used to gun down an innocent automatic weapons instructor recently.
Perhaps you’ve been following this story, which is undoubtedly embarrassing for the deceased, a presumably big, burly guy who couldn’t hold his own with a skinny 9-year-girl…who was firing an Uzi.
It’s a tragic story to be sure, but only for the girl, who likely faces a lifetime of steep psychotherapy bills. Pardon me for being harsh, but pretty much everyone else involved had it coming.
But let’s start at the beginning. A New Jersey family takes a trip to one of America’s prime family vacation destinations–Las Vegas. Once there, they probably take their young daughter to all the usual tourist spots: the roller coaster at New York, New York; Hoover Dam; the Liberace Museum; maybe a nudie bar. But there’s still a day to kill, so they look at “Things to Do in Las Vegas” on Trip Advisor and come across Bullets and Burgers (5-STAR RATING!), where they let you ride the “world’s largest monster truck,” feed you one of their “world-famous burgers,” and give you an automatic weapon to play around with.
Although it’s too late for my daughter, who’s getting married next month, they also do Bachelorette Parties. That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it? You get a bunch of inebriated women out for a wild night and give them guns. What could possibly go wrong? I’m guessing the male strippers make sure the girls put their guns down before they cue the music.
But getting back to my story, evidently the New Jersey family decided to visit this popular destination, perhaps right after taking the tour at Ethel M Chocolates. Maybe they choose the $199 package, which includes (and I am not making this up):
- 1 sub gun with 25 rounds
- 1 machine gun with 25 rounds
- A 9mm Glock with 5 rounds
- “A Photo/Video Opportunity after shooting with your Awesome Weapons.”
- And, of course, “The World Famous Burger with Fresh Cut French Fries and Soft Drink. (Veggie or Grilled Chicken Sandwich Substitute Available)”
I guess I should specify that this is a package deal at Bullets and Burgers, not Ethel M Chocolates. And I could be wrong about which package they chose, because they apparently picked the one that includes an Uzi.
Now, I don’t want you to think the people who run the respected, um, Bullets and Burgers establishment are irresponsible. It’s not like they handed over the Israeli-made automatic weapon of death to a 9-year-old girl without any instruction.
In fact, the girl’s parents took video of the young lady with her “awesome weapon” as she received her lesson. And, in the interest of informing all of us of the best way to shoot an Uzi, the New York Post has published the video online.
“We have to keep that held in, otherwise the gun won’t fire, OK?,” the instructor says in the video. “Turn this leg forward, there you go, just like that. All right, go ahead and give me one shot.”
The girl fires once, and we see a puff of desert sand somewhere in the distance, but nowhere near the target.
Let me stop here. There are two phrases in the English language which never, ever lead to anything good. One is “We have to talk.” The other is what the instructor said to the girl with the Uzi: “Okay, then. Full auto.”
That’s when the video stops. The still at left is moments before that.
It should be obvious to anyone reading this that I have never fired an Uzi. You might be surprised to learn that I have fired a gun, at one of those skeet thingies, and my shoulder was bruised for days. But while I may be inexperienced with weaponry, I am…what was that word again?…right: “sane.” Just as one doesn’t have to drive off a cliff to have a pretty good idea what would happen if you did, I can imagine that a slight young girl might have some difficulty controlling a military-grade gun on “full auto.”
Some people evidently cannot imagine this. One of them is dead now.
It is unclear whether or not the New Jersey family got their burgers.
See you soon.