Well, we’re less than two months away from our daughter Casey’s wedding to her fiancé Alex at the Norwalk Aquarium, but I figure there’s still plenty of time to incorporate some of the latest wedding trends.
Naked Wedding Cakes
When you bring out the wedding cake at your $100,000 wedding, you don’t want to be too showy. So couples have been opting for naked cakes, which are just like regular wedding cakes, except that the little anatomically-correct bride and groom on the top aren’t wearing clothes, and your very proper 83-year-old Aunt Jen has fainted.
Just kidding. The cake topper is fully clothed. But the cake itself isn’t. It has no icing, or buttercream, or fondant, or Benjamin Moore® exterior paint, or whatever the hell they’re putting on cakes these days.
No, it’s just the cake, stripped down to its caky essence, its tiers exposed for all to see, a strategically placed strawberry covering its fresh-baked private parts. The idea is to have something different than a normal wedding cake, something more natural looking. I’m guessing this is the type of cake requested by couples who also have quinoa dumplings during cocktail hour.
You might assume that, by eliminating all that fondant and intricate decorating, the cake would be a lot cheaper, right? You might, but I’m not an idiot. I know that, since it’s trendy, they’ll invent a reason for it to be more expensive. Like, since the frostingless cake is exposed to air, it dries out quickly, so it must be baked and assembled the morning of the event. I’m sure that costs a lot more than baking it and assembling it a day or two before, although I’m not sure why.
Destination Weddings to a Bloodbank
A couple in Virginia got married in a blood donation center and asked guests to give blood instead of gifts. “The greatest gift of all is life,” said the groom. “This is a lot more important than a toaster.”
Well, okay. But is it more important than a Soyajoy G4 Soy Milk Maker, which is one of the items on Casey and Alex’s registry? I’m not even sure Casey and Alex have a toaster on their registry. Maybe kids don’t make toast anymore. They make ice cream and gelato for sure, judging from the Cuisinart ICE-100 Compressor Ice Cream and Gelato Maker that’s on their registry, but I guess if my wife Barbara and I go to visit them, we’ll have to bring our own toast.
Getting back to the bloodbank thing…how does the registry for that work? “They’ve already got all the Type A they wanted, dear. Do you know anybody who’s Type O that we can bring with us to the wedding?”
And does anybody really want blood from 85-year-old Aunt Carmen with the varicose veins that make her legs look like a Google map?
Aerial Wedding Photography
I’ve written previously about the proliferation of drone usage and the danger it poses for aviation and pigeons. It was only a matter of time before the technology was put to use photographing weddings. I’ll admit the results are amazing…if you don’t mind pictures of ants in formal wear. I mean, they’re friggin’ overhead shots. From the sky. You could be anybody. Sure, the location may identifiable (especially if you get married at Stonehenge), but the people aren’t. “Yes, sweetheart, you can tell that’s my cousin Jocelyn. She just had those done a couple of months ago.”
And then there’s this: According to the New York Times, which did a piece on a professional dronographer, aerial wedding photography is “not as simple as just launching a drone into the air.”
They can stop right there, actually, because I really didn’t think that was so simple. But they go on to quote the “pilot”: “You’re flying it near people that you love very much and you don’t want any of them to get hurt.”
It’s bad enough we have to worry about someone falling into the stingray touchtank at the aquarium. I don’t want to also have to worry about a drone divebombing table eight, or flying too low and getting caught in Aunt Rosie’s Marge Simpsonesque hairdo.
Anyway, as tempting as it might be to be able to look back at photos of the insect wedding, I just can’t see how they can do it at our event, what with it being indoors and all.
Finally, and horrifyingly…
Yes, let’s have the big day in a truly idyllic setting, surrounded by nature, a nice hike in heels from the parking lot. As the bride trips gracefully down the path while trying not to get leaves stuck in the train of her gown, her loved ones will “ooh” and “aah” at how beautiful she looks, and also “oh” and “ouch” because they’re getting attacked by mosquitos. And–look over there, behind the altar–it’s not Uncle Charley without a shirt, it’s a bear!
The ceremony will be followed immediately by the groomsmen attempting to extricate Aunt Lucille and her walker from the underbrush.
I don’t know–I guess our family just isn’t into “trendy.” And our elderly aunts thank us for it.
See you soon.