Well, Forbes magazine has named the coolest city in America and it’s…Washington, D.C.
It’s hard to argue with this selection if they mean “cool” in the hipster sense of sitting around doing nothing.
By any other criteria, however, it’s difficult to imagine what they were thinking. How can a city that is seemingly populated solely by old white guys be cool?
Forbes says that the number of entertainment, recreational and dining options was the main factor in its choices. While watching Ted Cruz filibuster does have its share of yuks, you’d have to say New York has a few hundred more things to do at night than Washington, wouldn’t you? Unless you’re counting affairs between elected officials and interns.
Plus, there are way too many people wearing red ties there for Washington to be cool.
Lobbying isn’t cool. Being broken isn’t cool. Having a Supreme Court that rules strictly along party lines isn’t cool. I mean, look at these people. Clearly, the only cool person in
Obama was cool for awhile. But look what happened to him in Washington. A cool city wouldn’t make a cool person so uncool so quickly.
Of course, we all know what Forbes really means by the coolest city: the one with the most cash flying around. This is, after all, Forbes we’re talking about. On most people’s list of coolest magazines, Forbes would not be near the top. Unless it bribed somebody.
“Money is cool.” That’s the message here, folks. Taking it, making it, Super PACking it.
There is absolutely no other definition of “cool” by which Washington, D.C., our beige-buildinged, double-talking, gun-supporting capitol, is cooler than San Francisco or Austin. Sure, New York and LA can seem phony at times, but the phoniness in DC seems to have seeped into the water supply…even the Evian water supply. Chicago has: jazz, sports and pizza. Washington has: balls, caucuses and state dinners. If Washington was going to duke it out with Denver for cool, who would they send up against Peyton Manning? Mitch McConnell?
If you’re in Washington and ask a cabbie to take you someplace cool, you’ll likely end up in Baltimore.
In conclusion, I would like to suggest that, among all American publications, including AARP Magazine, Forbes may be the least qualified to judge the coolness of anything.
Except maybe cold cash.
See you soon.