Dear [your name here],
Are you ready to quit the daily grind? Are you tired of working for the man every night and day? Do you want to be your own boss? Wouldn’t you love to work your own hours, in your own home, in your own underwear?
Well, keep reading, my friend, because I’m about to tell you how you can live that dream.
And best of all, the only investment you need to make is $19.99 for my comprehensive pamphlet, “How to Work Your Own Hours, in Your Own Home, in Your Own Underwear Making Restaurant Reservations.”
This easy-to-read, illustrated guide will give you step-by-step instructions for using the new iPhone app Shout to make money while performing a valuable public service for rich people.
Shout is like StubHub for restaurants. It lets you make reservations at exclusive eateries and then sell those reservations for fun and profit! In fact, it’s even better than StubHub, because you can’t get stuck with unsold inventory. The reservations cost you nothing, and if you don’t sell them, you can just cancel them.
If a restaurant doesn’t take reservations, no problem. You can just wait on line (or “in line” if you’re not from New York) and sell your spot when you get close to the door (although you may not want to do this in your underwear).
My extensive, yet brief booklet will tell you everything you need to know to start and grow your reservation-making business. You’ll learn:
- How to get two or more stupid rich people to bid on a reservation.
- How to use speed dialing to call multiple restaurants the minute they start taking reservations 30 days in advance.
- How to create false identities so that you can make reservations 30 days in advance at the same restaurants every day (this is called “stocking up”).
- How to organize a network of homeless people to stand on line at Shake Shack or Dominique Ansel (the bakery that invented the cronut*) so that you can sell their spots at a markup. An article about this app in the New York Post quotes a woman who paid $20 for a spot on the line at the cronut place. And that’s just for a friggin’ pastry!
- How to expand your business to include movie ticket lines, the DMV and other attractions.
Soon, you and other predatory New Yorkers will make it impossible to get into a restaurant any other way, just as you currently cannot buy tickets to a popular concert even if you’re on the Ticketmaster site at the very nanosecond tickets go on sale, so you end up going to eBay or StubHub and deciding whether to take out a second mortgage to get good seats or forgo meals for a week to get lousy ones that afford you the privilege of watching the concert on the big TV sets at the arena, and then you can’t hear anything anyway because everyone in concert audiences has been trained by American Idol to cheer loudly every time the performer hits a high note, and even if you splurge for the good seats, you can’t see the actual performance because everyone in front of you is holding up their smart phones to record it.
Where was I?
Right, your reservation-scalping business. If lunatics will pay $20 to save time when buying a $5.50 cronut, just imagine what people who can afford a $450-per-person dinner at Masa or a $300-per-person dinner at Per Se would pay for your reservation to those restaurants. Using the 363% cronut markup as an example, your one reservation to Masa should be worth over $1,600!
You see, my friend, they have the money, but you have the access.
Haven’t you had enough of toiling away in that cubicle? Get out of the rut and get out of your clothes! Send $19.99 plus shipping and handling today for “How to Work Your Own Hours, in Your Own Home, in Your Own Underwear Making Restaurant Reservations.”
See you soon,
P.S. Act now and I’ll also send you my in-depth, one-page pamphlet, “How to Making Money Selling Imaginary Pamphlets.” It’s yours absolutely FREE when you purchase “How to Work Your Own Hours, in Your Own Home, in Your Own Underwear Making Restaurant Reservations.”
*A Cronut® is a donut/croissant hybrid that crazy people in New York stand on line for hours to purchase. Here’s the recipe in case you want to make one yourself:
Taking 2 months and more than 10 recipes, Chef Dominique Ansel’s creation is not to be mistaken as simply croissant dough that has been fried. Made with a laminated dough which has been likened to a croissant (but uses a proprietary recipe), the Cronut® is first proofed and then fried in grapeseed oil at a specific temperature. Once cooked, each Cronut®is flavored in three ways: 1. rolled in sugar; 2. filled with cream; and 3. topped with glaze. Cronuts® are made fresh daily, and completely done in house. The entire process takes up to 3 days.
I tried this, but I couldn’t get past the step where I laminated the dough. The good news, though, is that I can now keep the laminated dough in a photo album.