Entry 339: Quickies

Often I come across stupid things that either aren’t stupid enough to justify a full post, or I can’t think of enough snarky comments to write about them.

I’ve collected a bunch of these “Quickies,” and present them to you now in a single package.

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I just bought a 2-pack of Hanes underwear. It came in a resealable bag. Why? To keep the hanessecond pair fresh? So I could use the bag to store carrots when the underwear is gone?

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In an action that really pissed me off, Minneapolis has renamed Columbus Day. No, they are not calling it “The Vikings Were Here First Day.” They are calling it “Indigenous Peoples Day.” I’ll let one of the state representatives explain:

“This would be a day to celebrate our survival as a culturally distinct people despite 500 years of disease, warfare, massacre, displacement and forced assimilation.”

Five hundred years of disease and warfare…that is cause for a celebration! I can’t wait to see the floats in that parade. But all that isn’t what makes me angry, nor am I Italian. No, I’m upset because my daughter is getting married that weekend, and if she ever moves to Minneapolis she’s going to have to tell people she got married on Indigenous Peoples Day Weekend.

Which just sounds ridiculous.

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The Huffington Post reports that Ming the Clam would have been 515 years old this year. Ming was the world’s oldest animal when he was killed in 2006 by scientists who were using him to study climate change, thus proving how dangerous global warming can be.

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Nabisco has come out with limit-edition Oreos. The center is a new cookie dough oreoflavor. Isn’t that like KFC selling chicken stuffed with a raw egg?

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Kelloggs confirms that all Froot Loops are the same flavor. In related news, studies reveal that all frozen yogurt is just cold-flavored.

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The United States Postal Service is issuing stamps honoring American music icons including Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. While no one would argue that they aren’t iconic, 140313135804-jimi-hendrix-stamp-620xa[1]I’d have to question the wisdom of this. What sort of example is it setting for our young people when they receive mail emblazoned with images of people who died of drug and alcohol abuse? Of course, our young people hardly ever receive mail anymore, so maybe it’s okay.

Or perhaps the USPS is really advertising its new drug delivery service designed to get it out of the red. After all, the mailman’s coming to your house anyway; why not have him bring some cocaine?

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A student at a Pittsburgh middle school has figured out that the federal government could save about $136 million a year by printing everything in a garamond typeface because it uses much less ink. Of course, the federal government could save even more money by not changing its typeface…or its ink cartridges. For the most part, no one would notice if the federal government printed mostly blank paper which, as an added bonus, would be easily recyclable.  This does not, by the way, apply to money.

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The 85 richest people in the world have more money than the populations of China, India, Africa and Australia combined. In a related story, the 86th richest person in the world, Ethiopian Mohammed Al Amoudi, became a citizen of Saudi Arabia, saying “I was tired of being with the poor people.”*

*Everything in this story up to the quote is true: the 86th richest person really did move to Saudi Arabia.

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As reported by The Huffington Post, the real estate website Estately has ranked the 50 Night_of_the_Living_Dead_affiche[1]states by their likelihood of surviving a zombie apocalypse, using “metrics like fighting ability, military personnel, knowledge of zombies, physical fitness and access to weapons.” How do we know if our “knowledge of zombies” is accurate? I mean, George Romero zombies are different from Walking Dead zombies which are different than World War Z zombies. More importantly, though, how does one measure a state’s knowledge of zombies? Is there a standardized test? (In case you’re wondering, when the zombies come, you’ll want to be in Alaska, not New Jersey.)

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Verizon has been running commercials in which they interview folks on the street.  In the spots, there is this super: “Real people.  Not actors.”  What does that say about what Verizon thinks of actors?

And that does it for this edition of Quickies.  See you soon.

 

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One Response to Entry 339: Quickies

  1. Pingback: Entry 426: Quickies II | The Upsizers

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