Entry 330: The Big Bag Theory

I don’t generally say much about fashion trends in this blog. If you ever saw how I dress on a typical day, you would know why. Let’s just say that if Mr. Blackwell had any idea who I was, he would not be happy with me.*

But an online photograph of Kaley Cuoco caught my attention recently, and I thought I Kaley Cuocowould mention it. In the picture, Ms. Cuoco, the adorable star of The Big Bang Theory, was on one of the red people movers that take celebrities from place to place in Los Angeles. TV viewers think these are red carpets, but they actually stretch from venue to venue all over Southern California, and the stars just get on to be taken to the next awards show.  Watch for them when you’re in L.A.; you’ll see them just gliding along in their gowns and tuxedos, with Ryan Seacrest jogging alongside asking who designed their outfits.

In this case, however, it wasn’t a formal affair Kaley (if I may call her Kaley) was at; it was a function of something called Authors Anonymous. I’d tell you who organized it, but I don’t know their names.

Anyway, the picture shows her in cute little shorts and a plain top, which I frankly thought was rather understated for someone of her stature. But it wasn’t what she was wearing that grabbed my eye; it was what she was carrying.

In her hand is a small purse, what I believe the ladies call “a clutch” because there is no Premiere Of Screen Media Films' "Authors Anonymous" - Arrivalsstrap so you have to hold it, but “hold” was already taken by boats, so they called it a clutch instead. What was unique about this item, attributed to a designer named Vince Camuto, was that the sides were made of clear plastic. At least, I assume it was plastic because that’s the only clear material I know of other than glass, and a glass clutch would be silly.

Anyway, thanks to Ms. Cuoco’s choice in accessories, we know that, at this event, she was carrying at least $60, an American Express card, a photo ID, and an iPhone. We also know that, evidently, even TV stars can’t manage to take a decent ID picture.

My very first thought upon seeing this purse was, “I’d like to see her try that on the New York City subways.”

My second thought was, “I bet my wife will never get one of those.”

I didn’t think this because of the cost, which isn’t as much as you might think.  I found it at the designer’s own website for $99, on sale from $168, possibly because even the most fashion-forward women may have noticed the resemblance to items from the much less expensive Ziploc® label.

Clearly (hah!), the see-through nature of this purse would not be a selling point for my wife.  I don’t know how long it took Kaley Cuoco to decide exactly what to put into her clutch "Authors Anonymous" - Los Angeles Premiere - Arrivalsthat day, knowing it would be photographed for all the world to see. My wife Barbara, being a non-celebrity (but a star in my book!) would not, perhaps, be quite as concerned with paparazzi, but she’d still likely take hours figuring out what was appropriate to expose to the folks at Stop & Shop. She’d also be worried about identity theft. Notice in the photo above how Kaley Cuoco has cleverly covered her clutch-coddled credit card with cash. Barb carries way too many cards to pull that off, so she’d have to decide which card to put in front of the others as sort of a sacrifice. Her Dunkin’ Donuts card, perhaps.

But transparency isn’t the main reason why Barb wouldn’t buy something like this.

Let us look once again at the contents of Kaley’s clutch. Notice that she doesn’t even have house keys, much less a collection of little loyalty program key tags from every store she’s ever been in. Maybe TV personalities have entourages to hold stuff for them, which is why you never see them walking around with the satchel-like objects most women carry.

Barbara might be able to fill a little purse like Kaley’s with her assortment of lip stuff alone.

In fact, Barb might be able to put Kaley’s clutch inside her own pocket book and then not be able to find it. Sometimes she’ll be driving and her cell phone will ring and she’ll tell me to answer it because the Bluetooth isn’t paired for some reason and I’ll search through her bag under tremendous pressure (because it’s gonna stop ringing any second!) and not find it until it starts making that little bell sound indicating either that someone has left a message or that a guest wants to check into our inn. I have suggested that perhaps she might use one of the bag’s outer pockets for her cell phone instead of tossing it into the main compartment with all her other paraphernalia, but she refuses on the theory that she’d never remember to look for it there.

Barb’s purse is a bit like a roach motel; once something goes in, it doesn’t come out…unless she switches bags. This is something she does quite often fortunately, because it’s the only time any editing gets done. I always know when she has changed bags because I find a pile of crumpled receipts and empty Altoids tins on the kitchen counter.

But here’s the thing: I’m happy that Barbara would never carry Kaley Cuoco’s clutch, because I depend on Barbara to have what I need, be it a sucking candy, a Band-Aid or a tissue. Every man wants a woman with a large bag to carry the stuff that doesn’t fit in his wallet.

True, Barb might not be able to find what I need. But it’s good knowing it’s in there somewhere.

See you soon.

*Also if he wasn’t dead.

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