I’m getting just a little tired of the Wiki-peation of the world.
It started with the mass destruction of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica. Why have scholarly articles written by experts in their fields when you can have the conductor on the Q train tell us everything he knows about the Inquisition? But don’t worry; it’s all accurate because the guy who runs the copy machine at Staples and Mrs. Forrester in Omaha (who was also a major contributor to the article on Cabbage Patch Kids), fact-checked it.
Now everything is crowd-sourced. It seems like cable news spends half its time broadcasting tweets from viewers. Scientists ask people to name planets. Amazon lets customers decide which TV series it should produce.
This is way too much democracy, if you ask me.
And now they’ve gone too far.
Hasbro is letting people change the rules of Monopoly.
Yes, I know, everybody bastardizes the game for their own purposes. Cash on “Free Parking.” Double the money if you land exactly on “Go.” A shot of tequila every time you land on a utility. Sexual favors instead of rent.
That’s all fine, as long as you do it in the privacy of your own home with your rule-breaking friends. But don’t foist your anarchy upon the public!
The rules are the rules, people. They were play-tested. They’ve been in effect for 80 years. Just maybe they’re pretty good the way they are!
Some of the candidates for new rules are sheer lunacy. I am not making these up, but the italics are mine
Break The Bank: At the start of the game, leave half the money in the bank. Then mix up the other half of the money in the center of a board. On the count of 3 every player grabs what they can! Seriously, you need a first aid kit to play Monopoly? When you show up to work or school the next day with your arm in a cast, do you have to tell people it’s a “Monopoly injury?”
Mum’s the Word: Mum always gets out of jail free. Always. No questions asked. Hey, if any member of the family gets preferential treatment, it should be the person who paid for the game. If that happens to be mum, fine, but be prepared to present the receipt if asked.
Property Boom: With this rule, players do not have to own a complete set of properties before they start to build houses. Are they kidding? This changes the whole game! And I don’t want your ramshackle house on Vermont Avenue next to my luxury hotel on Connecticut.
Do you know why Hasbro has decided to change the rules? It’s because they did a survey and found that 68% of Americans don’t read the rules before playing. So not only are they allowing the rules to be changed, they’re allowing the rules to be changed by illiterates!
And why bother to change the rules anyway if nobody’s going to read them? Why bother to have rules? Just sell the board, the cards and the pieces and tell folks to have at it.
While we’re changing rules, I vote to lower the hoop on basketball courts so that normal people can dunk. And those horsey things in chess? What kind of stupid “two-this-way-one-that-way-move” is that? I vote that they can’t move at all unless there’s a king or a queen in the adjacent space to ride them.
Also, if we’re going to crowd-source everything, why not a Wiki-rewrite of Gone With the Wind? I mean, Atlanta doesn’t have to burn, does it?
I really think we should put the experts back in charge of everything. And we should do it before the lady at the Burger King drive-up window starts directing drone attacks.
See you soon.