I have sad, sad news. According to Fox News, America is suffering a clown shortage.
As announced on the morning show, Fox & Friends:
That may be true, but it’s their own fault for firing Glenn Beck.
Wait…I’m being told that the clown organization being referred to is not Fox News. It’s the World Clown Association, which has seen its membership fall from 3,500 to 2,500 in the past decade. If my math is correct, that’s only one clown for every 125,560 Americans.
That’s definitely not enough clowns to go around.
Of course, it’s possible that this shortage isn’t real, and that they’re just stockpiling clowns to drive up the price. But I will tell you this: I was around for the gasoline shortage in the 70’s, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait in line for a balloon animal.
You may think the cause of the clown shortage is that so many people are choosing to run for Congress instead, but according to the WCA, the reason for the dearth of clowns is the death of clowns. As old clowns die off, there aren’t enough new clowns to replace them. The association president, Deanna Hartmier, has said: “What happens is they go on to high school and college and clowning isn’t cool anymore. Clowning is then put on the back burner until their late 40s and early 50s.”
So what she’s saying is that clowning is cool only among those for whom coolness is nearly an impossible achievement–middle schoolers and AARP members. Apparently, we all abandon our natural tendencies to don extra large shoes in order to lead responsible adult existences, and it’s only when we find ourselves starting to wear clownlike clothes anyway that we return to the dream.
Clearly, clowns have an image problem. No one is taking them seriously.
Well, for starters, we have the actual photo of the president (right). This is not exactly the look of an authority figure. If I’m going to join the WCA (for $40), I want an organization that will fight for my clown rights and will lobby on my behalf for minimum clown wages and pie-free working conditions. I don’t want some clown with purple hair trying to get an audience with Chuck Shumer.
I might have to complain about this to the WCA’s person of the year, who will surely be a more effective representative for clowndom. His name is Randy Christensen. Let’s see if I can find his picture. I’m sure he’s suave and persuasive and…oh, jeez.
All right, listen up you Bozos. If you want your profession to be cool again (if it ever was), how about some updates? Turn his smile upside down, and your 2013 Clown of the Year wouldn’t look that much different from Emmett Kelley 70 years ago. What we need is someone to do for clowns what David Blaine and Criss Angel did for magicians.
We need edgy clowns.
This should definitely be addressed at the next World Clown Association convention, which just happens to be next month in that hotbed of slapstick humor, Northbrook, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. (They may want to start their new clown recruitment efforts by actually having their convention in Chicago.)
Let me take a look at the convention schedule; I’m sure there must be a panel discussion called “Making Clowns Cool,” or “Jumping on the Insane Clown Posse Bandwagon,” or “An End to the Red Nose.”
Well, at 8:30 we have “Beginning Balloons.” At 3:30 there’s a face painting competition. We have a session on comedy magic and one on magic while face painting, which I guess has the philosophy that two uncool things make one cool one. It also seems like clowns might be getting religion. There’s a session called “Oodles of Church Ministry Ideas” and another called “Touch of Gospel Magic.” What’s that all about? Are they praying for more clowns? Are they going door-to-door squirting people with fake lapel flowers and handling out clowning pamphlets?
Wait! Here we go! A session called “Mouth Coils the Easy Way.” That sounds edgy, and maybe even a little kinky. This could be the thing that turns clowning around!
There’s simply no way clowns are ever going to be cool. They’re just going to ride off into history, all in the same Volkswagen. Soon, clowns will have gone the way of doctors who make house calls.
Hold on! That’s it! The solution for the WCA is the same as it is for the AMA. Just import clowns from India! I know they have plenty of clowns there.
I speak to one every time I call customer service.
See you soon.