Entry 314: Taking It Up the Glass

When a movie theater owner became concerned about one of his patrons wearing Google Glass, he did exactly what any sane person would do: he called the Department of Homeland Security.

Google Glass, of course, is the invention that lets you wear a tiny computer over one eye. The effect, I imagine, is as if your world was a map of the United States, but you always had that inset of Alaska in your field of vision. Google GlassMashable-Google-Glass-App-300x168[1] responds to voice commands, so you can look like a schizophrenic talking to yourself while walking down the street.  You can also tell your Glass to search for a guy’s criminal record even while he’s buying you a drink.

Anyway, as I said, this movie theater owner called Homeland Security which, although it sounds nutty, turns out was exactly the right thing to do, and DHS agents responded immediately, descending upon the venue, removing the offending Glass wearer, and questioning him for hours.

So…why did Homeland Security respond to the imminent threat of someone wearing Google Glass at the movies?  Did they think he was scouting a possible target for a terrorist attack? Not exactly. Did they think he had chosen the particular film, the spy thriller Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, to learn CIA secrets? Um, no.

Evidently, they were concerned that he was using his Google Glass to record the flick, presumably for later sale.

Yes, that’s right. In addition to guarding our borders, the Department of Homeland Security is also in charge of guarding our movies.

captianphillips[1]I don’t know about you, but I for one feel very comforted knowing that Homeland Security is on the job, keeping us safe from terrorist attacks and illegal bootlegs of Saving Mr. Banks. Our forces may not be able to protect the human Captain Phillips from Somali pirates, but they sure as hell can protect the movie Captain Phillips from video pirates.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for protection of intellectual property. I’m just wondering about who’s doing the protecting. Why in the world would video piracy fall under the jurisdiction of the Department of Homeland Security? Do we really want our frontline defense against possible mass destruction distracted by some guy with a handycam making shaky black market videos?

I would also feel more confident in our security if the DHS was a little more up-to-date on technology. Surely, they can’t go rushing off every time some guy starts dictating email to his eyeglasses during the trailers. They should be aware that soon the weird person will be the one not wearing Google Glass in the movies.

GoogleGlass_15[1]Yes, it won’t be long before everyone is wearing the things and driving off cliffs because only one eye was on the road while the other was searching for the lyrics to the song playing on the car radio. In a year or two, you’ll never know what anyone is really looking at: they could be staring deeply into your eyes as you expound upon the societal impact of Scientology, but more likely they’ll be watching an episode of The Walking Dead. This would explain their inappropriate shriek when you say Tom Cruise is a religious icon; The Dead just killed off another main character.

It’s going to be a brave new world, and we’re all going to have to be really careful out there, because your graceful stumble off the curb on 72nd Street (because you were busy using your Google Glass to film some klutz falling off the opposite curb) will go viral before you can even brush the wet cigarette butts off your ass, especially when the bodies start piling up because everyone is falling off the curb while filiming all the other people toppling over.

And won’t it be creepy, when you’re riding on the subway, not knowing which of your fellow passengers is right at that very moment surreptitiously watching porn?

Speaking of which, lots of companies are coming out with all sorts of interesting apps d9tsabcgmqlcv4nxn0qv[1]for Google Glass. For instance, there’s Glance, which promises to let you “See the whole picture” and “Change the way you experience intimate moments.” It does this by using the camera in your Google Glass to broadcast video to your sexual partner’s Google Glass (and vice versa) so that you each see both points of view. Thus, you’ll not only be able to see what you usually see, you’ll be able to see (in your little Alaska inset) what your partner usually sees: your face as you’re, well, you know. Most people manage to live their entire lives without knowing how stupid they look in the throes of passion, but no more!

I don’t know; I think that would be very disorienting.  For instance, in the photos above and below (which came from the Glance website) who is seeing what?  The picture above, I guess, is what that girl is seeing in her Google Glass while she’s jumping up and down, which I think might be nauseating, not to mention she’s probably getting pissed that her partner isn’t looking at her face. Meanwhile, he is seeing the view below in his Google Glass, which I’m not sure does him any good unless he’s really narcissistic, or just wants something else to look at while his friend is throwing up on the bed.  And anyway, the video he sees of himself will be bouncing because she is, which is also nauseating, so now they can vomit together while enjoying, for the first time in their lives, the view of what they look like to others while barfing.

Yes, that certainly will change the way you experience intimate moments.

And how would it work for certain dfrlzbpp542d9pasogy0[1]positions? I mean, your partner might enjoy the view up his or her spine, but how will seeing their view of the headboard enhance your experience? And what if you’re into blindfolds? Do you put them over the Google Glass so that you can see what your partner sees but not what you would see if you could, or do you put it under the Google Glass, so your partner can see what you would see if you weren’t wearing the blindfold?

It’s so confusing!

Whether or not you think this is a good idea, you’ve got to chuckle at the voice commands for this app, which I am not making up. To start the cameras, you say, “Okay Glass, it’s time.” To stop them, you say “Okay, Glass, pull out.”

It will probably need to come with a legal disclaimer that the shut-off command is not a guarantee of contraceptive effectiveness.

I think it would be much more appropriate for the off command to be the words I always use to end these posts.

See you soon.

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