I’ve always loved time travel stories. I’m fascinated with time travel’s inherent paradoxes in which, if I meet myself at a different age, the universe will either implode or go on as usual, albeit with way too many of me running around.
The concept of time travel is very alluring, although if I had the ability, I wouldn’t want to go back to a period before air conditioning was invented. I’d be reluctant to go forward, too, because, frankly, I’m having a lot of issues with today’s technology. But who wouldn’t want to kill Hitler before he founded the Nazi Party, or Lee Harvey Oswald before he shot JFK, or James Dyson before he worked for Cyberdyne Systems and invented the microprocessor that ran the Terminator.*
Of course, most people wouldn’t mind traveling back in time just a few years to buy Apple or Amazon at $10 a share. Not me, though. That’s because I actually did buy both Apple and Amazon at $10 a share. What I need to do is travel back in time to stop myself from selling them at $20.
The thing is, in our heart of hearts, we’ve always understood that time travel isn’t possible and probably never will be, at least not in our lifetimes, unless we travel to the future, which we can’t, because time travel won’t be invented until after we die, unless somebody travels back from the future with the technology.
But then the Internet came along with all sorts of conspiracy theories and incontrovertible proof that people (particularly Nicolas Cage) have been time traveling for years. Here’s Nic as he appears in a photo taken during the Civil War (it’s the photo on the right).
Leonardo DiCaprio has been doing some traveling, too. How else to explain his authentic portrayals of characters who lived in just about every era since the 1700’s,** and his appearance in a 1960 high school year book as a girl named Judy Zipper, who likely had a tough enough time of it in high school because of her name without also being an actor who played an FBI director who dressed in women’s clothes.
But I digress.
Lest you believe that the Internet folks who discovered these pictures are lunatics, you should know that they didn’t immediately jump to the conclusion that these and other celebrities had traveled through time. They only arrived at that theory after exploring other, more logical explanations, such as that the people in question were really vampires.
The real proof of time travel, of course, is not chronologically-empowered celebrities. After all, the people in those photos could just be look-alikes, or maybe even ancestors. No, the real proof is when idiot time travelers are caught on film using anachronistic technology.
A wonderful example of this is behind-the-scenes footage (still photo at right) from the opening of Charlie Chaplin’s The Circus in 1928, in which we can clearly see a woman walking across the frame while talking on a cell phone.
Another example (left), from 1938, shows a young woman in a crowd exiting from what seems to be a factory, gabbing away on some sort of device as if it’s 2008.
In both film clips, the time travelers are definitely holding something up to their ears and their mouths are moving. We don’t know what they’re saying because there’s no sound, but if they had one of those title cards like in silent movies, it would probably say:
Of course, we can’t put too much faith in photographic evidence of anything anymore. It’s just too easy to fake. But assuming this “evidence” is genuine, what explanation could there be besides time travel?
Bloggers have tried to explain the 1938 footage by pointing out that the factory may have been DuPont’s, and the company may have been working on wireless communication, and the woman may have been testing it. That might also explain why no one in the crowd is looking at her as if she’s doing anything remotely unusual…or insane. But why then, if the technology was so far along in 1938 that it seems to be actually working, did it take so long to bring it to market?
Well I have the answer to that question, and because you are a loyal reader of this blog, you will be among the first in all the world to know, so you can impress your friends with your vast knowledge, not to mention your extreme gullibility.
You see, DuPont knew that cell phones would bring about the demise of our society, and so sat on the invention as would any responsible corporation in possession of potentially profitable but possibly society-ending technology! But how, you ask, could DuPont have known that mobile phones would have such a detrimental effect on our lives?
I knew you’d ask that. Obviously, they sent someone into the future to see it first hand!
And, folks, I have unearthed inarguable proof that they did exactly that! I am the only person in all of the Internet to offer this amazing photograph proving that DuPont time travelers from the past are among us today. Look closely, my friends, at the man in the tan coat with the beard and sunglasses (because he’s incognito). He alone of all the camera-facing people in this picture doesn’t have a cell phone. Why? Because he’s an outlier, here to bear witness to the horrible mess cell phones have made of our world.
Hopefully, he will report back to DuPont so that they not only destroy all records of their invention, but kill anyone in the future (their future) who comes close to developing it.
That would make me so happy, I might celebrate with a Rheingold.
See you soon…or maybe I already have.
*I have just been informed that the guy who worked for Cyberdyne was Miles Bennett Dyson. James Dyson was the guy who invented that new-fangled vacuum cleaner, and it’s probably not worth going back in time to prevent that from happening.
**The time travels of Leonardo DiCaprio: The Man in the Iron Mask, early 1700’s; Total Eclipse, mid 1800s; Django Unchained,1858; Gangs of New York,1863; Titanic,1912; The Great Gatsby,1920s; The Aviator,1920-1940; J. Edgar,1919-1969; The Quick and the Dead,1940s; Revolutionary Road,1940’s-1950s; Shutter Island,1954; Catch Me If You Can,1960s; The Wolf of Wall Street,1990s; Inception, the future.