In case you didn’t get all your Christmas shopping done by 2am on Black Friday, here’s a little something you may want to keep in mind as you hunt for gifts for the children on your list: The present you buy could help cause the end of the world.
Now, you may think I’m an alarmist, and it is certainly true that my generation has always been more or less convinced that our demise was imminent. When I was a kid, it was an absolute certainty that we would blow ourselves to smithereens (except for the few of us lucky enough to be hiding under our desks when the Commies dropped the big one). Then we were simultaneously going to be drowned by melting glaciers and suffocated by air pollution. Then we were all going to die from some disease carried by pigeons, or pigs, or flying pigs.
As it turns out, none of those scenarios will contribute to humanity’s destruction, which, in case you’re interested, will occur in exactly six years. According to a number of physics graduate students with too much time on their hands, that is the year when the human race will be overrun by small beings from Denmark.
Personally, I’ve always thought that if humans were going to become extinct because of something from Scandinavia, it would be the result of being buried alive by collapsing furniture. But, no, it’s not our bookshelves that will do us in, but the relentless attack of…
They are tired of being treated as mere playthings. They are weary of being oppressed, forced to reside in badly-made, loudly-colored buildings, slaves to the whims of architecturally-deficient five-year-olds. They no longer wish to live in fear of roving Roombas and curious canines, lost for months at a time under sofa cushions, deprived of any hope to improve their stations in life simply because of the outfits they were born with.
But the LEGOlians won’t revolt, at least not right away. They won’t have to, because, simply by proliferating, they will destroy virtually every sector of our economy. LEGO people are notoriously horrible consumers. For obvious reasons, all existing construction firms would instantly go bankrupt. Energy companies, agribusinesses and apparel companies would go belly-up because Lego people do not consume fuel or food, and their clothing is painted on. Hospitals and doctors will disappear, because LEGOlians do not require healthcare unless a human child decides to experiment with a microwave oven. And they have no use for technology because, frankly, LEGO people are idiots.
Once our economy is on the brink of collapse, the LEGOlians will be on the march, one extremely halting step at a time. They will build their cities where once our Starbucks stood strong. They will enact their own laws and enforce them strictly with uniformed patrols (right). Their celebrities will take over our airwaves.
And humanity will be shoved to the margins of society, forced out into the wilderness, living off the land, building crude shelters out of Lincoln Logs.
Or we can just argue about it for our remaining six years.
See you soon.