I am holding in my hands right now the Official Announcement of the arrival of the Prince of Cambridge.
It has a beautiful color photograph of the new Prince, eyes closed, angelic in his Christening gown. And I’m thrilled to learn that he can be mine for only $149.99 plus shipping and handling, payable in five installments, which, I believe, is an extremely reasonable price for a royal baby.
Wait a second. I’ve just read a bit further and learned that I’m holding the Official Announcement of the arrival of the Prince of Cambridge…Commemorative Baby Doll. I suppose that makes more sense, although perhaps the price no longer does.
This Prince comes not from Buckingham Palace in London, England but from The Ashton-Drake Galleries in Niles, Illinois, home also to a collection of musical Elvis baby dolls and the New York Yankees Major League Baseball Licensed Baby Doll Collection which, I was disappointed to discover, does not include an Officially Licensed Alex Rodriguez Baby Doll with a hypodermic needle protruding from its cute little bare butt.
Where was I?
Oh, right. The Baby George Doll.
The amazing thing about this Prince of Cambridge doll is that the offering I am looking at appeared in the New York Post just two days after the royal water breakage led to the royal labor (sorry, labour) which eventually led to the crowning of the Prince, so to speak, possibly to the blare of trumpets.
That means Ashton-Drake likely had to prepare two ads, one male, one female, and have both ready to go the moment the Prince popped. It also means the doll pictured in the ad had to have been designed and photographed well before His Highness’ Heinie showed itself, which in turn means that, unless Ashton-Drake had access to the Royal High-Definition Sonograms, any resemblance the doll has to the actual baby is purely coincidental, unless all royal babies look alike which, given the royal propensity for inbreeding, is not entirely outside the royal realm of possibility.
In case you think this doll is a piece of crap intended to take advantage of gullible old lady Anglophiles, I’ll have you know that it is a true work of art by “one of the world’s most renowned doll artists, Fiorenza Biancheri,” who has, according to the ad, captured “this historic moment in her signature award-winning style.” Evidently, she also captured the historic moment before it actually happened. Too bad she’s not one of the world’s most renowned stock market artists.
Lest you see the Prince naked, the doll comes swaddled in a “luxurious 30-inch Christening gown inspired by the one originally commissioned by Queen Victoria and worn by his father William, and other royal babies ever since.”
Is that true? Has the British Empire really deteriorated to the point where its Princes have to wear hand-me-downs?
Your doll also comes with a pillow featuring the Prince’s name and birth date, and it had better be a big pillow if it’s going to say “His Royal Highness Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge.” You also get a custom Collector’s Box without which you would not be able to keep your doll “Mint in Box.” And, of course, you’ll receive a Certificate of Authenticity in case somebody thinks you have a fake Prince of Cambridge commemorative baby doll, which I’m sure you’ll soon be able to purchase for five bucks on any street corner in downtown Manhattan.
You should also know that this hand-painted porcelain prince is a limited edition, the limit being how many they can make in “95 firing days.” I don’t know what a firing day is, or how many dolls that might be, but I expect that they’ll somehow manage to squeeze in at least as many dolls as they have orders for.
Reserve your Prince of Cambridge Commemorative Baby Doll now, folks. Trust me–you do not want to have to get into a bidding war on eBay a few months from now.
Those old lady Anglophiles can be vicious!
See you soon.