According to a recent article in Rolling Stone, rising global temperatures are going to put Florida under water by the end of this century.
But, unfortunately, climate change is also going to cause some bad things to happen.
Apparently, global warming is going to adversely affect nearly everyone on Earth, with the possible exception of people currently living in the middle of frozen tundras who might suddenly find themselves with waterfront property in a temperate climate.
But that’s not the really bad news. Because evidently, global warming isn’t only going to make life worse for billions of people worldwide. It’s also going to make life worse for me.
Obviously, something needs to be done.
According to another Rolling Stone article (in the issue with Justin Bieber on the cover because he’s hot), the temperature of the world has already risen 0.8 degrees Celsius. This raises several important questions:
- What is that in American degrees?
- All this doom and gloom stuff is coming from the same magazine with an article like “20 Songs You Can’t Even Believe Are 20 Years Old”?
- Will turning up my air conditioner 0.8 degrees solve global warming?
The answers are: 1.44 degrees; yes (and also “10 Concert Fights Caught on Tape”); and hey, it’s worth a try.
The gist of the Rolling Stone articles is that the affects of global warming will make the Earth a completely different, largely uninhabitable place in as little as a century. But I really don’t see that as a big problem, because I’ll be dead.
The real problem is that global warming is affecting me now.
For instance, all this weird weather we’ve had the last couple of years? Rolling Stone, probably in a drug-induced haze, blames Hurricanes Sandy and Irene, and that ridiculous Northeast October blizzard in 2011, on climate change. Those storms were hugely inconvenient for me. I had to go weeks without cable!
Plus, I really don’t like hot weather. It makes me feel clammy. If the global temperature goes up another degree or two, I’ll never leave the house during the summer, not that there’ll be any reason to, what with the end of the world taking place outside and all.
So I implore all our politicians to do something about global warming. Subscribe to Rolling Stone before it’s too late. Because if we don’t put the brakes on this warming trend, the entire East Coast will be under water, and millions of people will die, and it will get so hot I might have to take my shirt off.
Trust me: you do not want that to happen.
See you soon.