It’s not often that I can express an opinion that comes down in favor of genocide, so I’m really excited about this post.
Can anyone provide me with a good reason why the existence of the state of Florida is permitted to continue? With all our technology, is there no way we can we just slice it away from its neighbors with laserlike precision and allow it to sink into the ocean, along with its slow-driving, gun-toting, mouse-ear-wearing inhabitants?
I don’t propose this lightly; my mother lives in Ft. Lauderdale. But she’s coming to visit this weekend, so Saturday or Sunday would be a great time to sever the Sunshine State.
Or, who knows, maybe everyone would survive because, instead of sinking, the whole damn thing would just drift off to Cuba like a true Ship of Fools, only with sinkholes. We could call it the first step in lifting the trade embargo: we send them Florida (which would actually be a homecoming for many of its residents), and Cuba can send back some nice cigars.
Just think how much higher our country’s average IQ would be!
Obviously, these remarks are a reaction to the verdict in the George Zimmerman case, wherein a white man with a gun felt threatened by a fleeing black teenager with some Skittles. When confronting a teen armed with such dangerous candy, Zimmerman felt fully justified in killing him, and now a jury has agreed.
Sadly, the verdict was probably correct, given the lack of witnesses in the case and brainpower in the state. The jurors weren’t stupid, despite being Floridians. Florida’s gun laws are stupid, particularly the “Stand Your Ground” Law that was instrumental in this case, and the less-publicized “10-20-Life” Law that may be even dumber.
The “10-20-Life” Law states that if you commit a felony with a gun you get an automatic 10 years in prison; if you fire that gun, you get an automatic 20 years; and if your shot hits someone and injures or kills them, you get 25-to-life. I’m not exactly sure what you get if you don’t fire the gun but you injure someone by, say, bopping them on the head with it.
It’s that law that got Marissa Alexander in trouble. She was feeling threatened by her ex-husband, so she fired a warning shot into a wall. Although she didn’t injure her ex, shooting a warning shot into a wall is evidently considered “aggravated assault,” although it’s difficult to imagine the wall pressing charges. Aggravated assault is a felony, and so naturally she got the mandatory 20 years because she fired a gun while committing a felony.
To recap, if you are being threatened–even if it’s only a perceived threat–it’s perfectly okay to shoot the person. But if you just try to warn that person away, you’re going to jail. And if you think that’s an oversimplification, consider this: in some cases like Marissa Alexander’s, the fact that they didn’t shoot the person was used against them! If you were truly feeling threatened, the logic went, you’d put a bullet in his brain.
I guess the defense would have to be “I tried to, but I missed!”
It’s tempting to talk about race here, given that Ms. Alexander is black and Trayvon Martin is black and more than 60% of the people serving time under the “10-20-Life” Law are black and George Zimmerman is white. But, really, I think it’s not so much that Florida’s laws are prejudiced against people of color as they are against people of intelligence.
This is evidenced by the fact that the two laws I’ve mentioned are not even the stupidest laws in Florida, a state that explicitly prohibits…
- …Gay men from entering a public bar unless accompanied by a child.
- …Sexual relations with a porcupine.
- …Unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays.
- …Dreaming about another man’s wife or cow.
I did not make any of those up; they are actually on the books in Florida, and those might be the only books anyone there can read. I don’t know why the state wants children in bars; why it doesn’t think someone who has sex with a porcupine has already received all the punishment he or she deserves; or why it prefers to have married women plummet out of airplanes on Sundays. I’m also wondering if you get a double punishment if you dream about another man’s porcupine.
The point is, aren’t you embarrassed to be in the same country as a state like this? When you consider everything that has happened in Florida this century (starting with the hanging chads), don’t you wish we could have the opposite of secession and just tell Florida it is no longer welcomed in America? Wouldn’t it be nice if Florida would just go away?
Well, in my next post, I’ll tell you why it may soon do exactly that. But don’t get too excited; it will just mean all those lunatics will come swarming into our states.
See you soon.