Clearly we have a fish problem.
A couple of posts ago, I wrote about fish like the Patagonian toothfish, which has infiltrated our society under an alias (Chilean sea bass) and tilapia, which is being unnaturally farmed with the help of “energy waste” from power plants.
Now come numerous reports of fish using all sorts of other subversive tactics to take over the world.
Forbes magazine tells us that a study by the conservation group Oceana found that a third of the fish sold in the United States is fake.
Yes, you read that correctly. You may be eating fake fish. That is, it’s real fish, it’s just not the fish you thought it was, kind of like that “girl” you once met at the bar with all the weird people in it.
For instance, 84% of the white tuna sold in America is actually escolar, which are students from Spanish-speaking countries. No, wait, that can’t be right. Let me look that up.
Okay, I’m back. It seems that while “escolar” is, in fact, the Spanish word for student, it is also, evidently, a fish that likes to masquerade as tuna. They would possibly masquerade as students if they could (they’ve even been seen in schools–HAH!), but they haven’t figured out how to get past the part about raising their manos in class.
Anyway, so what’s the harm in your tuna actually being escolar as long as you’re enjoying it, right? Well, there’s this: According to the Forbes article, eating just a few ounces of escolar can cause “serious digestive issues.” That sounds bad enough. But, in an effort to educate and nauseate my readers, I did some further research:
Escolar’s wax ester content can cause keriorrhea (Greek: flow of wax), gempylotoxism or gempylid fish poisoning. Keriorrhea is similar to diarrhea, only the body will expel yellowish-orange drops of oil instead of liquid bowel movements. Some individuals suffering from escolar-induced keriorrhea also report other digestive issues, including stomach cramps, diarrhea, headaches, nausea, vomiting, and anal leakage; onset may occur between 30 minutes and 36 hours following consumption. This condition may also be referred to as steatorrhea.
So it’s two days after you ate that delicious “tuna” melt, and you’re walking down a crowded street in your new, tight-fitting white pants, and you get that feeling where you think there’s a fart coming on but you’re not 100% sure, and here it comes, and it’s…liquid poop! And drops of yellowish-orange oil. And your ass is leaking!
Not to mention you suddenly have a headache!
I tell you, it’s enough to make you want to stay away from white tuna entirely and eat red snapper instead.
Unfortunately, the likelihood of your red snapper actually being red snapper is slim. Less than 6% of red snapper sold in the U.S. is red snapper; and some of it isn’t any color of snapper, not even puce snapper! Some of it is tilefish, which tends to have much higher mercury levels, but looks nicer on bathroom walls.
Such a species is the lion fish, which are very pretty in an aquarium, but are murdering fish from Florida to Maine with their venom. Also helpful in their world domination scheme is the fact that they have no known predators. Perhaps we can solve two problems at once by getting the lionfish to eat the escolar. (Just ignore the odd cloud floating behind the school of lionfsh.)
And finally, we have had sightings around the globe of MONSTER GOLDFISH!
Some friends of mine recently went all the way to Belize to go fishing, and they didn’t catch anything nearly as big as these goldfish. Now, if you know that goldfish are Japanese carp, and you grew up watching Japanese movies from the 50’s, the only logical conclusion you can come to is that these goldfish have been exposed to massive doses of radiation (possibly from the power plant next to the farm where they’re grown), and/or are prehistoric fish released from a hidden cave by a nuclear explosion, and/or are alien goldfish sent to Earth specifically to do something to Tokyo, although it’s unclear to me what exactly a fish of any size could do to a major city except just flop around on it.
But we do know one thing: the army is only going to make matters worse before the hero scientist shouts in staccato English that doesn’t come close to matching his mouth movements that the only way to defeat a giant goldfish is to take the water out of the giant bowl it’s been living in.
Maybe we should all just stop eating fish for awhile and enjoy some nice Swedish meatballs from IKEA instead. You know, the ones with the horsemeat.
See you soon.