Entry 201: Attorn-ey for the Worse, Part I

Welcome to my 2-part post about lawyers. Please read it carefully and sign it in triplicate.

I may get sued for saying this, but if there’s any profession without which America would be a better place, it’s the legal profession. And keep in mind that the person saying this writes junk mail for a living.*

Lawyers have totally screwed up our health care system with malpractice suits. They have 220px-Perry_Mason_Title_Screen[1]complicated our lives with documents no one but they can understand.  They have backlogged our legal system with frivolous lawsuits that judges should be tossing out of court but don’t because, after all, judges are lawyers, too. As an example, I offer the $67 million lawsuit brought against a dry cleaner who allegedly lost a pair of pants. The plaintiff was a judge!

To be sure, there are good attorneys, ones that are not motivated solely by greed. They defend the downtrodden, stand up for the rights of the oppressed, fight on behalf of those who have been wronged.

And then there are the ones that advertise on TV with phone numbers like 1-800-BEDSORE.™ This is the real trademarked number of a real law firm. They even have a website which is, I kid you not, 1-800bedsore.com. I’ve been there and I can tell you that it is the place to go on the web to get bedsores.

Just kidding. It’s the place to go to get compensation for the bedsores you already have.

And now I am not kidding. Allow me to quote from the site of Parker Waichman, LLP:

“Our nursing home bedsore lawyers have made it their mission to ensure that facilities where abuse or neglect occur are held accountable for their failure to provide residents with an appropriate level of care. Nursing home patients who haves (sic) suffered bedsores due to negligent care may be able receive compensation for their pain and suffering. If your loved one has been the victim of nursing home bedsores, we urge you to contact one of our nursing home bedsore lawyers today for a free evaluation of your case.”

I don’t know about you, but all I could think about when reading the paragraph above was the parents of someone who works at this law firm. All that money on college and law school, and they were so proud when their son or daughter passed the bar, and now when their friends ask what their child is doing, they get to say, “Oh, my darling is a bedsore lawyer!”

If you have any doubts that lawyers have screwed up our country, consider that 43% of the members of Congress are lawyers. Congress might stop its bickering and get more done if someone occasionally reminded these folks that they’re no longer billing by the hour.

barata-cucaracha-cockroach[1]It’s no wonder that, these days, Congress is about as popular cockroaches. Wait, I’m sorry, that’s not quite true. Congress is nowhere near as popular as cockroaches. And before some lawyer comes a-calling, I have the data to back that up.

The organization Public Polling Policy recently asked people for their opinions of Congress relative to certain other things, and Congress was rated unfavorably to: root canals, NFL replacement refs, head lice, the rock band Nickelback, colonoscopies, carnies, cockroaches, traffic jams, Donald Trump, France, Genghis Khan, used-car salesmen, and Brussels sprouts.

On the plus side, Congress did manage to beat out telemarketers, John Edwards, the Kardashians, lobbyists, North Korea, gonorrhea, the ebola virus, Lindsay Lohan, Fidel Castro, playground bullies, meth labs, and communism.

I wonder if there was some previous poll to determine what was listed in this poll, or if the Nickelback-nickelback-25842778-1024-768[1]questions indicate certain biases on the part of people who work for Public Polling Policy. I mean, you kinda have to feel sorry for Nickelback, don’t you, for having been included in this survey alongside Genghis Khan?

But let me be the first to congratulate Congress for being wildly more popular than gonorrhea.

Way to go, Congress!

Tune in next time when I describe how lawyers have screwed up my profession.

*You didn’t think I got paid for writing this blog, did you?

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3 Responses to Entry 201: Attorn-ey for the Worse, Part I

  1. Pingback: Entry 202: Attorn-ey for the Worse, Part II | The Upsizers

  2. Pingback: Entry 300: Let’s Get This Century Going Already! | The Upsizers

  3. Pingback: Entry 527: The iTunes Theory of American Celebrities | The Upsizers

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