Entry 191: I’ll Just Take a Billion Dollars Now

Well I’ve finally figured out how I’m going to retire a rich man.

The epiphany came to me while I was reading something about how to increase the circulation of this blog beyond people I know personally. Evidently, I’m supposed to visit someone else’s blog and leave comments there so that they’ll then visit my blog and maybe link it to something or other. Once I do this about 5 million times, I’ll have a substantial readership. I’ll have no income, because I’ll have spent all my time reading other people’s blogs, but I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I’ve brightened the day of strangers with my acerbic wit.

There’s another drawback to this strategy: I don’t care that much about what other people think about things. I’m basically an anti-social person, which is possibly why I spend most of my days holed up in a room, writing.

facebook-logoAnd that was the beginning of my big idea. What the Internet needs, more than anything else, is an anti-social network.

This would be the site for people like me who wish you’d keep to yourself the exact mood you’re feeling right now; what’s going through your brain that you can express in 140 characters; what unsigned garage bands you’re listening to; or what you’re Pinterested in.

It’s for people who don’t care if you’ve reddit; and who are likely to hurt themselves if theyinstagram-logo StumbleUpon something. It’s for people who are not impressed that you can take a picture with your state-of-the-art smartphone and make it look like Matthew Brady took it during the Civil War.

It’s for people who think aggregators are aggravating.*

It’s for people who absolutely don’t remember Judy who graduated in their high school class; and will absolutely not endorse John who is linked to Mary who is linked to Jill who is linked to Charles who they may have met oncelinkedin-logo 30 years ago.

It’s for people who don’t want to know where you are at this precise moment and who think it’s extraordinarily creepy if you know where they are.

It’s for people who can find cute puppy videos on their own, thank you very much, and who think it’s very annoying when, on those rare occasions when they send you a link to something, you’ve already seen it, like, three weeks ago, which makes them feel like they live in the 19th century and communicate with the world only by telegraph.**

So there you have it. The problem is I’m not entirely sure what my anti-social network actually does. Perhaps it just magically deletes you from every social medgagitia site. Or maybe it lets you “enemy” people, or “punch” them. It could be a site that has an unPinterested board, or one that automatically limits communications to complete English words and sentences, which would immediately cut off most of the people who use social networks.

But it’s for you to figure out what exactly the anti-social network does. And by “you,” I mean the person who is going to give me a billion dollars for this idea so I can retire a wealthy man.

In the meantime, please send links to this blog to everyone you know.

See you soon.

*If you don’t know what an aggregator is, really, it’s just as well.

**This paragraph is dedicated to my lovely daughter, to whom I cannot send anything without her telling me how long ago she saw it, even if it’s something that was originally posted five minutes ago. However, she did design the logos used in this post, so I love her anyway.

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2 Responses to Entry 191: I’ll Just Take a Billion Dollars Now

  1. Deb says:

    sign me up for the anti-social network!

  2. Beth says:

    I can’t talk to her without being out-internetted either, so don’t feel bad -Beth 😉

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