Entry 185: The Incompetent Cook Christmas Collection

Welcome back to the Blog Shopping Network where, for the next few paragraphs, we will exhibit the latest in kitchen appliances for those who need a GPS to find their ways around a kitchen.*

Just because you think Swanson and Birdseye were renown chefs, you shouldn’t be reluctant to entertain guests this holiday season. All you need is this collection of highly-specialized machines, each designed to perform a single kitchen task so you don’t have to. They are for people who don’t even bother to own normal kitchen implements like pots and pans, which is the only way you could possibly have enough room for a bunch of one-function appliances like the one that only makes churros. Sure, you don’t make churros that often, but when you do, you want them to be perfect churros, much better than you could make if left to your own devices.

That’s why companies have thoughtfully created these devices!

Let’s start with our appetizers, shall we? Presenting the Electric Pigs-in-a-Blanket Maker, pigsthe amazing machine that cooks your little dough-wrapped hotdogs for you. It whips up nine wee weenies in just 5-8 minutes. Assuming you’ve invited nine of the guys I know, that would be 10 pigs per person, so you can cook up one batch, give them one apiece, and repeat 10 times. But wait–this handy appliance does much more than cook pigs-in-a-blanket. It also cooks mini corndogs, cocktail sausages and jalapeño poppers. In fact, this can cook anything you’ve got that’s phallic and smaller than normal!

onastick_610x489[1]Want more variety in your appetizers? How about fresh-baked soft pretzels? Make four at a time with the Electric Pretzel Maker. Or perhaps you like your appetizers on sticks. You don’t have to travel to the south and wait for the county fair to come to town when you have the amazing Electric Snack-on-a-Stick Maker. You can stick a stick in just about anything and cook it up with no muss, no fuss. It makes six impaled snacks at a time, and even comes with 25 bamboo sticks! Makes you wish you could still buy Twinkies, doesn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the main course. You’ve been watching the Food Network to get ideassandwich for a festive gourmet dinner to serve your guests, and you’ve decided on grilled cheese sandwiches. You think you’ve got the right recipe: a slice of bread, a slice of cheese, and another slice of bread.  But–oh, no–this is much more complicated than a regular sandwich! You have to cook it! Fortunately, you’ve got the Proctor-Silex Sandwich Maker, the maker of sandwiches that not only heats your sandwich up, it perfectly aligns the two slices of bread to create grilled cheese sandwiches you’ll be proud to serve, if you don’t mind serving just two guests at a time.quesadilla

But now you’re reconsidering. Grilled cheese sandwiches just don’t seem exotic enough for your friends. Well, how about… quesadillas!!!!!  Yes, the Electric Quesadilla Maker not only cooks your Mexican grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection, it actually pre-slices them for you, just in case you don’t even own a knife!

Well, that was a delicious dinner, and it’s time for dessert. Will you make mini-Mini_Donut_Machine[1]cupcakes or mini-donuts?

The Electric Mini Cupcake Maker makes seven very tiny cupcakes in just five minutes, and the Electric Mini Donut Maker does exactly the same thing, only with holes!

But they both require that you be able to mix some batter. If you don’t think you can handle that, go for the easiest treat of all: roasted marshmallows!

Just stick a marshmallow on a stick (you can use the bamboo sticks from your Snack-on-a-Stick Maker) and hold it over your Indoor Flameless Electric Marshmallow Roaster.  Yes, that’s right…you could just hold a marshmallow over a Bic® Disposable lighter, but what fun would that be? If you can figure out how to put your marshmallow between a couple of graham crackers and a piece of chocolate, you can even make s’mores!

marshmallowSo relax this holiday season, and let all these wonderful appliances do the work for you…one very specific thing at a time.

See you soon.

*Guarantee: Every item mentioned in this post, including the churro maker, absolutely really exists. For bonus points, guess which one is the most expensive (see below).

Also, thanks to my daughter who proposed the subject of today’s post by approaching me with her iPad, saying “You’ve got to write a post about this. It’s really stupid!” and showing me the pigs-in-a-blanket maker. Love you, Casey.

(Ans.: The marshmallow roaster…by a lot!)

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2 Responses to Entry 185: The Incompetent Cook Christmas Collection

  1. Deb says:

    Do the Girls Scouts know about the electric marshmallow roaster???? I can see them picketing now!

  2. Pingback: Entry 610: More Great Gift Ideas for Crazy People | The Upsizers

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