Have you been following the news about certain states wanting to secede from the union?
No, I do not get my news from Civil War Times (an actual, modern-day publication), nor am I talking about a publicity stunt to coincide with the release of Steven Spielberg’s new film, Lincoln, in which our much-revered 16th president sounds disconcertingly like Walter Brennan.*
As I write this in the 21st Century, there are actually secession petitions circulating in Texas, Florida, Georgia, Alabama and Tennessee. But nobody outside of those states seems too upset about it. Would it really be a big deal if they left? Sure, the U.S. would produce less crude oil and fruit, but, on the other hand, I think America can afford to take a hit in our global market share of evangelists and old Jews.
It seems the people in these fledgling nations are sick and tired of being lorded over by the federal government and would like very much to be lorded over only by their state governments which, of course, would become their federal governments as soon as they seceded. But, okay, point taken: it would be one less layer of bickering politicians, and who can really be against that except the bickering politicians?
So, after giving the matter some serious thought while eating lunch, I have come to the conclusion that we should let them go. They’re grown states now and we can’t expect to keep them in the bosom of our country forever. Maybe it is time for them to go out and make their own ways in the world, possibly after sowing some wild oats or, in the case of Georgia, some wild peaches. Sure, they’ll make some mistakes, but hopefully they’ll learn from them. And meanwhile, the rest of us will realize many benefits:
- It’s high time that the world had a few countries with citizens that did not descend from apes.
- Our unemployment rates would decline due to more job openings in the border patrol.
- The average age of an American would go down substantially.
- Cuba would no longer be only 90 miles from our shores.
- Five more countries would score below America in math and science.
- It might be fun to watch Alabama and Texas get into a war over Louisiana, Arkansas and Mississippi.
- Our professional sports leagues will get to expand to more nations.
- We can prevent the five states from getting into the United Nations and say “Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.”
- Country music would come from a different country.
- It would be exciting to see what sort of money and postage stamps they come up with. I’m especially looking forward to Florida’s large-type currency.
- New line for Jeff Foxworthy: “If you need a passport to go to a dentist, you might be a redneck.”
- We can say that Jeb Bush was born in a foreign country.
- The U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, AL would have to change its name. Little Ocmulgee State Park in Georgia should change its name, too, but that has nothing to do with secession. It’s just a disgusting -sounding name.**
- If we could kick out one more state, we could eliminate a row of stars from our flag. I’m thinking Arizona. That way, whenever an Arizonian was walking around in our country, authorities could make them show their papers.
- Medicare and Social Security would be suddenly solvent without Florida.
So let’s hope those states succeed with their seceding.
*In case you’re too young to know who Walter Brennan was, he was a character actor who always seemed to be cast in the roll of “pappy,” and who, apparently, sounded like Abraham Lincoln. Listen here.
**But at least it’s not a big Ocmulgee.