Entry 179: The Twinkie in Her Eye

Yesterday, there was a flurry of excitement at our house when our daughter’s boyfriend Alex arrived.

His appearance does not often cause a stir, since he usually just enters through the sliding doors downstairs where our daughter lives and doesn’t emerge until dinner is served.

However, on this occasion he came in through the front door, and he was holding a small bag that contained an artifact of 20th Century America: possibly one of the last Hostess Twinkies that will ever appear on a store shelf in Southern Connecticut.

In case you haven’t been following what is possibility the most important business news of the year, Hostess has gone out of business and closed all its plants. This has prompted a frenzy of collecting the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Mabel Alterpotz shot Glenda Willingham over a Mint-With-Tags original Steg the Stegosaurus Beanie Baby in 1994.*

Twinkies, Sno-balls and Ding Dongs are going like ersatz hotcakes. As of this writing, boxes of 10 Twinkies are being sold on eBay for upwards of $80.

But Alex had not purchased this single pack of Twinkies to become a cherished heirloom, to be passed down from generation to generation until, soon after the zombie apocalypse, the Mint-in-Package treats end up being the very last edible item on Earth and bits of the spongy creme-filled cakes are rationed among a starving populace.**

Oh, no.

Alex had brought these (and a pack of Hostess cupcakes for good measure), because our lovely daughter Casey had lived her entire life without ever tasting a Twinkie, and Alex simply could not allow this iconic manufactured food product fade into history without his girlfriend having had experienced it.

Now, dear reader, I’ll leave you in suspense for a moment, as Casey decides if she wants to take this plunge into fake food history and, if so, if she wants the Twinkie on the left or the Twinkie on the right.

Before I reveal the outcome, let me just say why I think there has been such a hoopla over the bankruptcy of a company that clearly made no effort to keep up with the times. And it has nothing to do with food, or whatever the heck Twinkies are.

You see, this is not about the disappearance of a snack cake, or even about a memory from our youth. This is all about our loss of innocense. It’s about realizing that our days of being truly oblivious Americans, when no one cared about calories, or consuming chemicals, or obesity epidemics, are long gone. It’s about a time when we would not think twice about giving to our children phallic objects that oozed a creamy substance when they put them in their mouths, when a company could take that penis-shaped object, put a cowboy hat on it, and call it a mascot that kids and parents would adore.

Can you even imagine the uproar from some circles if a company tried to introduce a product like that today? And yet we mourn its passing.

And now, let us return to Casey, who has inserted said product into her mouth as her boyfriend and parents look on. She takes a bite and…

…makes the kind of face once reserved for cough medicine. Which is probably one reason why Hostess went out of business: Americans’ tastes have become more sophisticated.

Anyway, Casey then did what anybody would do after experiencing a major life event: she posted it on Facebook. That elicited the following exchange between Casey and her cousin Evan, who is at Elon University in North Carolina:

  • Casey: A momentous occasion just occurred. I tried my first (and last) Twinkie.
  • Evan: I’ve had bacon beer batter deep fried twinkies at the North Carolina state fair before. Delicious!
  • Casey: i just died from a heart attack on your behalf.
  • Evan:  Its ok, I washed it down with a krispy kreme burger.^

Okay, so maybe I was wrong about the whole sophisticated tastes thing.

But now, let us go back to our kitchen counter, dear reader, where there remains one forlorn Twinkie sitting on its piece of cardboard, the last of its kind. It is out of the package, so we can no longer sell it on eBay, and it is just begging to be put out of its misery. We can tell that Alex really wants it because he’s doing his nervous hopping from one leg to the other thing, but how can he exhibit desire for something his girlfriend so clearly finds disgusting?

And thus, the very last Twinkie I will possibly ever see is unceremoniously dumped in the garbage.

The end of an era.

See you soon.

*I made this up.

**This, too.

^I seriously doubted the existence of such a thing, even in the south. However…

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Entry 179: The Twinkie in Her Eye

  1. Pingback: Entry 180: Bloquopo | The Upsizers

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s