Regular readers of this blog know two things: 1) I constantly worry about stuff that could happen to our house and, 2) I occasionally look into where we might move next.
Especially after last week, when a massive oak tree behind our home was torn up by its roots* and all the wires (including the electric meter) were yanked from the outside walls by a domino reaction of falling utility poles, I am definitely in the imaginary market for something indestructible.
So I am thrilled to announce that I have found the perfect place: a beautiful, luxurious home where absolutely nothing can go wrong.
As you can see from the photo, it’s a normal-looking house with the possible exception of the fact that it has an aircraft runway instead of a driveway. But that’s okay; I can always purchase a plane later. It would seem a shame to have a runway and not have a plane, even though the only way I would ever get into a plane that small is if it was attached to a ride at Kiddieland.
The home is in the Adirondacks on about 20 acres of land. According to the real estate listing, it’s 20 minutes away from world class skiing at Whiteface, and convenient to great fishing, backpacking and hunting. True, I don’t ski, hunt, fish or backpack, but our guests will be able to do all that when they come to visit, which is good, because it will get them out of the house so I can take a nap.
The property is also only 80 minutes from Montreal which is nice, although I really don’t like French food.
So why is this the perfect home for me? Because it’s the safest home in the world.
You see, the quaint exterior is disguising a secret: the home is sitting on top of a Cold War-era nuclear missile silo for Atlas-F intercontinental ballistic missiles, and includes almost 15,000 square feet of underground space that’s built to withstand a 200 pound per square inch blast. To you laypeople reading this, that means my family gets to survive a direct nuclear hit!
Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.
I’m guessing the structure could also stand up to the likes of Hurricane Sandy,** as well as your run-of-the-mill tornadoes and earthquakes, plus the asteroid that’s going to plummet into the earth any day now.
While the control room of the silo has been turned into an entertainment room (the world’s most perfect place to watch a video of War Games), most of the rest of the basement remains unfinished. But it’s perfect for the Do-It-Yourself aficionado which, of course, I am most definitely not. From the real estate listing:
There were originally 7 floor levels inside the silo, however app. 2/3 of the F silos have been salvaged out and only bare walls remain. Multiple levels could be rebuilt in the silo. A deck built in the silo would provide almost 2,000 sq. ft. of floor-space.
Well, in one way, that’s disappointing, because I bet we could have held a hell of a garage sale with the items that were “salvaged out.” (“Will you take 25¢ for this rusty old failsafe button?”) But think of it: seven floors of underground living! If you have enough advanced notice that the end of the world is nigh, you could fill, say, five floors with supplies and two with pairs of animals. We wouldn’t need room for all the animals on Earth because we’d only save the cute ones.
And here’s another unique feature: the basement even has a skylight! How many basements can say that? Usually, if a basement has a skylight, it’s bad news for the living room that’s above it. But the missile silo in this home “has 2 overhead 90-ton doors that can often be reopened.”
So all we’d need is one of those long poles with the hook at the end of it so we could turn the little doodad to open the skylight. That and, I’m guessing, some major pneumatic lifts.
We’d only need one other thing. Just as I’d want an airplane to sit on our runway, I’d definitely want an Atlas-F intercontinental ballistic missile to sit in my silo. It wouldn’t have to be armed or anything, but I think it would be a deal-breaker if I couldn’t have one. So I went on eBay and searched “Atlas-F intercontinental ballistic missile” and received this response:
Your search returned 0 items.
This was disheartening news.*** But I won’t despair. I signed up for e-mail alerts so I’ll know the instant someone lists an Atlas-F intercontinental ballistic missile for sale. Once I get my hands on that baby (possibly outbidding various terrorist groups and rogue nations), we are absolutely buying that house!
See you soon.
*Two bits of good news about the obliterated oak: 1) it fell away from the house; 2) it was the tree on which I had installed a squirrel feeder to lure the squirrels away from the bird feeder which, miraculously, still stands after Sandy, although I don’t put food in it any more because the friggin’ birds were eating about $80 worth of seed a month. As far as I’m concerned, all wildlife around my house can now fend for itself.
**Plus it isn’t served by Connecticut Light & Power, which is a huge advantage during storms.
***But also comforting.