Entry 174: They’re Just Asking for It

Welcome to another episode of “They’re Just Asking For it!”

It’s the show that should be on HGTV that explores the stupid places people choose to live.

Like, you drive along the coast in California, and you see all those beautiful homes jutting out, built on stilts, just so they can have a view of the ocean. Do these people not know they’re living in an area where they teach schoolchildren to stand in doorways when there’s an earthquake? Have these people never seen Lethal Weapon 2 when Mel Gibson hooks his truck up to one of these houses and pulls it down a hill without even knowing if the residents are Jewish?

They’re just asking for it!

So are the people who live in trailer homes in the midwest. Aren’t they aware that trailer homes attract tornadoes like rifle racks reel in rednecks? “Oh, yes,” they say, “this trailer park in Oklahoma is the perfect place to put down roots.” And then one morning they wake up in Nebraska.

They’re just asking for it!

Then you’ve got your people who live near nuclear facilities, chemical plants, and power stations.  The authorities can talk all they want about how it’s perfectly safe, but can it really be healthy to sit on your deck while enough electricity to power a major metropolitan area is coursing through evil-looking contraptions just a few yards away?

They’re just asking for it, too.

But this week’s special Halloween episode of “They’re Just Asking for It” is all about Christopher Mills of Sandy Springs, GA. Christopher Mills is an attorney, so he’s already asking for it. On top of that, he wants to built a home on top of a cemetery…that dates back to the 1800s…that is a family burial ground…that is also an historic Civil War site.

The Civil War significance is that it is where Union troops first crossed the Chattahoochee River. This was a strategically important move because they wanted to get to the other side. It was also a great morale-booster for the men, because they had so much fun saying “Chattahoochee.”

Christopher Mills, who is a real estate attorney no less, may or may not legally own the land he wants to build on, which he bought from Fulton County for one dollar.* The county may or may not have sold it legally, because they may or may not have seized it legally from the Heard Family, which is the family whose ancestors are buried there. Fulton Country seized the land  for unpaid taxes, but those taxes may or may not have been owed in the first place because it’s a cemetery and cemeteries don’t pay taxes because they’d have a hell of a time trying to collect from the residents.

But let’s give Mr. Mills the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s his land to do with what he likes.  And let’s say what he likes to do is piss off history buffs (and, let me point out that these would be Civil War history buffs…in Georgia…which is where Scarlett O’Hara lived–it doesn’t get buffier than that!). Let’s say Mr. Mills also enjoys angering absolutely everyone who would be his neighbor because he would be destroying what one person called “a beautiful, peaceful thinking spot.” And let’s even say that he would greatly appreciate any lawsuits which might be brought against him by living members of the Heard Family.

That still leaves the dead members of the Heard Family. Can you really expect to build a house on the bones of a single clan and not have them be just a tad upset about it? Do you really think that multiple generations of deceased Heards are going to allow you to get decent TV reception?  Do you anticipate that your furniture will ever be where you left it? That your lights won’t blink on and off constantly? That power tools won’t be put to nefarious use? That you won’t eventually go running from your house in sheer terror while a bunch of war reenactment nuts in gray uniforms poke you with bayonets?

Anyone who’s ever seen Poltergeist knows you don’t build a home on a cemetery!

See you soon, for another episode of “They’re Just Asking For It!”

*Marked down from $1.89.

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One Response to Entry 174: They’re Just Asking for It

  1. Vinny Bond says:

    He is a lawyer…let him build it and we will be rid of one more of them there peoples!

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