One major difference I’ve noticed between owning your own home and living in apartments or condos is that there are so many more ways to die.
I could die as I’m writing this from toppling trees or exploding propane tanks. I could die over time from radon poisoning or contaminated well water. I could die falling off a ladder while cleaning leaves out of our leaf-proof gutters, or falling off our deck while throwing rocks at the squirrels trying to get into the bird feeder. Or I could leave the house and walk into the cables that hang low over the front walkway, simultaneously strangling and electrocuting myself.
But evidently there are ways that a homeowner can die that I’ve never even considered. Death by llama, for instance.
Now, I worry about a lot of things, but falling llamas isn’t one of them. I have enough trouble with the golf ball-sized nuts that our trees throw at us without scanning the skies for crashing camelids.
Anyway, this llama did not fall from the sky. According to The Huffington Post, my source for stories about plummeting pets, the woman, Florence Lenahan…
…called for help Tuesday after a llama named Baby Doll slipped on wet grass while running to greet her and knocked her down, causing her to hit her head on concrete…there’s no evidence the llama was acting maliciously.
Excuse me for a moment while I run out and get cleats for my pet llama.
Okay, I’m back, and I have a question: how do you know if a llama is acting maliciously? Do llamas scowl? Maybe it didn’t like being called Baby Doll. Maybe it thought Baby Doll is a name more appropriate for a porn actress. Maybe it wasn’t running to greet Ms. Lenahan, it was coming to bite her head off. True, llamas are herbivores, but I’ve known vegetarians that would sink their teeth into your arm if you got them mad enough.
Another recent news story also grabbed my attention because we have a fairly steep fall-off near the front of our house. Again, according to The Huffington Post, a 17-year-old girl unintentionally went off a cliff near her home in Kodiak, Alaska.
It will come as a shock to absolutely no one who noticed her age in the paragraph above that the girl, whose name was Maria Pestrikoff, was texting at the time. Also smoking. What may surprise you, however, is that Ms. Pestrikoff was not in a vehicle.
That’s right: she walked off a cliff, lemming-style.
Maria survived the 60-foot drop, which makes it okay for me to say “Serves her right.” Actually, I think I’d say it even if she had died. How do you even walk, smoke and text at the same time? Are you using the cigarette to punch the little letters on your iPhone screen?
I can just imagine what she was texting:
“walkn 2wrd clff now. I’m sure d vu w%d B btifl f I lOkd ^. Uh O.”*
I think we all recognize that texting will bring on the death of civilization; I just didn’t know it would happen one idiot at a time.
Who knows? Maybe Florence Lenahan, the woman in Ohio, was texting, too. Maybe that’s why Baby Doll murdered her!
See you soon.
*Translation (thanks to lingotoword.com) : “Walking toward cliff now. I’m sure the view would be beautiful if I looked up. Uh oh.”