Entry 154: Homeland Security

As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, one of the first things we had to deal with when we moved to our first real house was security.

Never before had we possessed so many doors and windows, each one of them an invitation to all sorts of intruders to enter our home to steal, abduct, kill or, as was the case in one Ohio neighborhood, clean.

We have six doors through which one can gain access to our house, and something like 10 ground-level windows through which one can crawl in without possessing any sort of agility, or climbing ability, or even, since most of our house is not visible from the street, the sleek black clothes that burglars always wear in the movies. You could break into our house dressed as Liberace* and no one would notice.

With all those potential points of invasion, you really have to consider security for your loved ones. Do you put more locks on all the doors? Do you hire one of those 24-hour monitoring firms? Do you buy padded toilet seats?

This last security concern is prompted by a story out of Las Vegas, where a man named Ronald Hetzel allegedly broke into a home and whacked the resident over the head with a guitar and a porcelain toilet seat. It is unknown if the victim habitually used both items simultaneously (“Come on, get out of the bathroom.” “In a minute, honey, I’ve got three more verses of This Land is Your Land.“)

By the way, Mr. Hetzel has been charged with, among other things, attempted murder with a deadly weapon, which sounds redundant to me, since if the weapon’s not deadly, you can’t be using it to attempt murder. Conversely, if you have not been successful in committing the murder, the weapon, even if it was a nuclear device, was not deadly.

But if Hetzel goes to jail, I can just imagine the embarrassing conversation he’ll have in prison:

Convict One: I murdered someone with a Desert Eagle .44 Magnum.

Convict Two: I opened fire with a Mossberg 20 gauge shotgun.

Hetzel: I attacked someone with a Gibson Keb’ Mo’ Bluesmaster Guitar and a Kohler Santa Rosa Model Toilet Seat.

In our house, we have both a guitar and multiple toilet seats, so obviously we need to take precautions. But I just don’t know if padded toilet seats are the way to go. Sure, they would reduce the impact from a blow to the head, but would that be worth the damage caused to our thighs when they keep adhering to the seats?

And, besides, we apparently also have to protect ourselves from marauding wildlife. Recent news stories have reported on homes invaded by bees, snakes, spiders and an alligator. One house in upstate New York was invaded by bears. Three times. In two days.

I’m not sure how they knew it was bears. I mean, the article doesn’t say that the owners came home to find the bears in their house, you know, trying out the beds or something.

Perhaps they left fingerprints.

As I have documented in numerous posts, I have enough trouble with squirrels without having to worry about bears. Hopefully any wildlife in our neighborhood will be deterred by the ADT stickers in our windows.

Possibly another way to avoid a home invasion by Yogi and Boo Boo would be to not live in the particular town where these “bear-raids” took place.

That would be, I swear, Bearsville, NY.

See you soon.

*If you’re too young to know who Liberace was, think Elton John, only gayer.

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One Response to Entry 154: Homeland Security

  1. Vinny Bond says:

    I waited patiently to see what the * was for next to Liberace’s name up top…and the wait was WELL worth it!


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