Entry 145: Table These Notions

Being that I have not yet figured out how to earn a living from blogging, I continue with my day job, which is direct marketing.

I know what you’re thinking: “So this is the moron who wants me to buy pills from Canadian pharmacies, sell the time-share that I don’t own, learn a new language, and get a free Lasik evaluation. This is the creep who keeps trying to get me to look at pics of sexy singles, and increase her satisfaction. This is the idiot accusing me of having toenail fungus, being overweight, having limited mobility, and being over my head in debt. This is the schmuck congratulating me on winning the Albanian lottery, getting a Home Depot® loyalty gift card, or getting an inheritance from my non-existent relative in Great Britain. This is the imbecile who thinks I”m sitting here by my friggin’ computer just waiting to be invited to find my perfect match, get a great deal on a Vegas vacation, remodel my bathroom, or discover the easy way to bake taco bowls.*”

Well, you could not be further from the truth, and I wish you’d stop calling me names. I have nothing to do with the spam that clogs your email in-box.

I create the stuff that clogs your regular mailbox…with, um, absolutely essential information and truly wonderful offers that you cannot live without.

All of which is a very long way around to the point of this post, which is that I have a professional interest in things that can be mailed in an envelope. And that’s why this headline in The Huffington Post caught my eye:

Postable Table, Portable Design, Fits Inside An Envelope

And, sure enough, a design firm in the Netherlands, Studio Toer, has created a table that fits into an envelope. It’s called a postable table, because in Europe, they don’t mail things, they “post” them.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why would I want a table that fits into an envelope?” The answer is obvious: so you can send a Mother’s Day Table to your mom.

Or maybe the answer is what the design firm’s website says, in what you can almost imagine is a robotic voice inflected with a Dutch accent:

Changes in customer-behavior and the online evolution of the retail industry were the motives to focus on the distribution aspect of new design…By inquiring and acquiring online, no customer-salesmen interaction is taking place any more. By delivering products in your mailbox there is no need to stay home to receive it . All human interaction in gathering furniture is unnecessary in the design of the Postable.  Postable is a stainless steel table design. It is a modular system. Each element fits within the outer dimensions of regular mail. A full-size dinner-table can easily be assembled from the content of one envelop (sic).

Well, a few thoughts here:

  1. I like my Mother’s Day answer better.
  2. I now have the unfortunate image in my mind of hoards of people in wooden clogs wandering the streets of Amsterdam “gathering” tulips and furniture.
  3. I already manage to buy just about everything–including furniture–without human interaction.
  4. If ease of delivery was a good sole reason to market a product, anthrax would be much more popular than it is.
  5. Really–it fits in an envelope?

There is a video on the Toer website that shows about two dozen pieces of flat metal sliding themselves into an envelope, the envelope traveling across the world by means of various animated vehicles, and a pair of hands removing what appears to be paper and folding it, origami-style, into a table which then magically becomes metal.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume that this is a conceptual video, and not the actual assembly process, which is mysteriously missing from any sales materials.

But make no mistake, this is a real thing that they are actually trying to sell. And not cheaply, I might add; a 70 inch dining room table goes for $870. But shipping is only $20 to anywhere in the world that has a need for a table that comes in an envelope.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who wants a table that fits in a mailbox? That’s way too big a table for me. I want a table that fits in my pants!”

Well, then do I have a product for you! An Italian firm called Acquacalda Design has created Pic Nic Pants, a pair of jeans in the enduring style of MC Hammer harem pants. When you sit cross-legged, the extra, let us call it, crotch material becomes (according to the website) “a comfortable surface useful for the consumption of a meal outdoors.”

I do not know why European design firms write in robotic voices. Maybe it’s got something to do with translation.

But I do know that these pants will be absolutely critical to your outdoor dining pleasure because, really, when you’re wearing them, nobody’s going to invite you to sit at the picnic table with the grown-ups.

So, in conclusion, let me say that design firms need to get their acts together. Surely, the world is in need of items other than ridiculous tables. For starters, there really aren’t enough silly hats.

I know what you’re thinking: “I wish he’d stop telling me what I’m thinking.”

Yeah, you’re right.

See you soon.

*From the actual spam I received, with the subject line “easy way to bake taco bowls.”

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One Response to Entry 145: Table These Notions

  1. Vinny Bond says:

    I just have to say, I am offended by those pants…I can not sit cross-legged anymore, so they would be useless to myself and the portion of the population that is similar to me in affliction.

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