Tomorrow the family is coming up to Connecticut to celebrate Passover. This is my wife’s side of the family, and they do things a little differently by, for instance, having a traditional Passover barbecue. (Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve tasted grilled gefilte fish!)
Anyway, given that this will be our first Passover in our new house, I thought I’d update the usual four questions because the regular ones just aren’t that funny and, frankly, if you don’t know the answers by now, you’re not too bright.
1. Why is this night different from all other nights?
Because we’re putting both leaves into the new dining room table. This symbolizes the parting of the Red Sea, when God parted the waters so the Jews could pass, and then covered the Red Sea with a table cloth so that the Egyptians could not see he had removed the leaves, but not pushed the sea together again.
2. Why is it that on all other nights we eat all kinds of vegetables, but on this night we eat bitter herbs?
Because my wife grew these herbs in her Aero-Garden, and really, the thing is getting a little out of control, with all its herbs sprawled all over the place. Also it’s to remind us of the bitterness of slavery, because what we went through with the kitchen renovation eating nothing but take-out was nothing compared to having to build pyramids while only eating parsley.
3. Why is it on all other days we sit inside and talk as a family, but today some of us are outside while others are inside watching golf?
Because it’s the friggin’ Masters, which, I hear, is some kind of big deal, and there’s an ugly green jacket involved, which symbolizes the hardships the Jews faced while walking through the desert without any nice clothes. And the rest of us are outside because we lugged out the cushions for the patio furniture, damn it, and we’re going to sit on it!
4. Why is it that the gutters leak only over the front door and should we replace only that section or the whole thing, and should we have gutter toppers?
This question is really only for my brother-in-law, Gary, who is our home repair messiah. It represents the way Moses led the children of Israel to a new land, even though they didn’t have the slightest idea how to do anything once they got there, and so he gave them the ten commandments, which included items like “Thou shalt leave things for professionals because you’ll probably do more harm than good,” and “Thou shalt not touch the wiring,” and “We’re Jews; we don’t fix things.”
So there you have it. My best wishes to all of you for Passover, or Easter, or, I don’t know, is there a spring equivalent of Kwanzaa?
And to the folks who bought our old condo, please let us know if you find that piece of matzoh we hid back in 1997. The kids never found it, but we had to pay them anyway.
See you soon.