There are ruins on our property.
One of them, to the left of our driveway as you approach the house, somewhat resembles Stonehenge, that English monument in the County of Wiltshire built by forward-thinking ancients who somehow knew that Great Britain would one day need an attraction to bring tourists to that section of the country.
According to stuff I found on a British website (how did those ancients know there would be an Internet!), the Stonehenge in England was created with 82 bluestones, weighing as much as 4 tonnes each, and transported about 386,243 metres between 2,000 and 4,000 years ago by pagans who then balanced the stones precariously upon one another (the other stones, not the other pagans).
For those of you not familiar with those backward British measurements that everybody but Americans uses, 386,243 “metres” is the equivalent of 386,243 “meters,” and a “tonne” is only slightly heavier than our “ton” due to the extra letters. Two thousand British “years” is equal to just under four American months…at least it will be if those Intelligent Design idiots ever get their way.*^
Various theories exist regarding the reasons why Stonehenge was built. My understanding of these theories is as follows:
1. “Something to do with astronomy.”
2. “Something to do with religion.”
3. “Something to do with aliens.”
My studies of our ruins, dubbed by historians as “Stonehenge the Insignificant,” have yielded more definitive results. The monument was created around 33 million British years ago*^ (50 American years) using a “somewhat heavy” rock balanced precariously on a tree stump. It was most likely transported a distance between .05 metres and .76 metres by a single well-muscled individual. The purpose of the monument was either:
1. To create a parody of the actual Stonehenge which, according to my calculations, would not be built for another 32,980,000 British years*^, or
2. To get the rock out of the way so the driveway could be paved
Fascinating, isn’t it? And those aren’t even the only ruins on our property. There are also the mysterious “Stamford Stones,” a formation of 10 hewn stones roughly in the shape of a rectangle, located just up the driveway from Stonehenge the Insignificant, which has led some archaeologists to believe the two sites are related.
I do not think that is the case. My theory is that these stones were laid in precisely this manner to serve as the foundation of a much larger structure, such as a massive Altar of the Gods at which humans sacrifices were performed (you haven’t met the previous owners).
On the other hand, maybe it was supporting a shed of some sort. Yeah, maybe that.
See you soon.
*Based on the Intelligent Design belief that the Earth is 6,000 years old. In fact, today is it’s birthday. And you–you didn’t get it anything, did you? You didn’t even send a lousy e-card. Don’t think the Earth didn’t notice.
^Also based on me doing actual mathematical calculations using the percent key on the calculator so, you know, pretty much ignore it.