Hello, everyone, Mr. Problem Solver here with carefully considered solutions to Stamford’s most pressing issues, given to you free of charge as a public service and also because they reek of lunacy.
Today’s problem: the recent multi-day power outages caused by storms. Since putting all those wires underground would be both too expensive and vehemently opposed by the gopher lobby in Hartford, I have come up with other ways to handle the problem, any of which should be implemented before a rare Connecticut tsunami comes along which, the way things have been going, is entirely within the realm of possibility.
Idea #1: Raise all the utility poles.
Most of our power problems have been caused by weak-hearted trees fainting onto the cables strung between utility poles. But if we raise the poles, then the tree would fall under the wires directly onto the buildings, vehicles and people below. Power would be unaffected.
Idea #2: Bonzai trees.
A wonderful Japanese exercise in miniaturization, these little guys would not only be less susceptible to high winds, but if they did fall, what kind of damage could they do?
Idea #3: Replace all trees with cell towers that look like trees.
Have you noticed the cell tower down on the Hutchinson River Parkway that some demented company tried to disguise as a tree? It might have seemed like a good idea, blending this tech apparatus into nature, but they fell a bit short in the execution, since it looks like all they did was glue fake branches onto the top of the tower. Not that it would have fooled anyone anyway, since the tower is three times as high as any neighboring tree. But why not commission some of the artists whose work is all around Stamford to do some really cool fake tree cell towers? That way, we wouldn’t have trees collapsing all over the place and we’d get much better cell coverage.
Idea #4: Automatic falling tree zappers.
This is the million dollar idea. Basically, you’d give every wire an electrified canopy. When a tree falls, instead of hitting the cable, it would hit the canopy which would instantly cut through the tree with its high-tech electronic laser thingy. The tree would then fall harmlessly (unless you’re standing underneath it), leaving the wire intact. I realize that there may be a minor flaw in this proposal, but when you think about it, do birds really need feet? We walk, they fly. That seems fair. Or maybe someone can devise a laser that can distinguish between a soft, fluffy little tweety thing and a big, hard, wooden thing. (Get your minds out of the gutter!)
So get to work on these ideas, Stamford, before the volcano under the sound erupts.
See you soon.