Entry 57: Icky Leaks

One of the constant nuisances that homeowners apparently have to deal with is the occasional indoor deluge.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating. We do not have the type of flooding that occurs in certain parts of New Jersey every time it rains, when you see people on the news talking about rowing a boat across their backyard. That’s the type of massive, consistent flooding that makes you talk to the TV screen, so you can ask the people who are rowing across their backyards for the 20th time this year why it is that they live somewhere that Noah would have moved out of years ago. It’s the sort of flooding that makes you certain the Army Corps of Engineers was involved somewhere along the line, back when someone complained that there were too many puddles in the street after it rained, and so they designed a complicated and expensive system of water containment devices and now the puddles are gone because the whole town is under water. (If we really want to get our troops out of the Middle East, we should just send the Army Corps of Engineers over there to build some water containment devices. There would be massive flooding, even in the desert.)

Anyway, back to my house, which is all I really care about, and where we don’t have the Little Falls, NJ kind of flooding, but we do get water in the basement, near the laundry area, when it rains. Sometimes. We could have two seemingly identical rain storms and one will result in some water in the basement, the other won’t.

We also can’t figure out where the water’s coming from. Is the washing machine itself leaking? Is water dripping in through the dryer vent? Are the gutters backing up and somehow causing water to go directly into the basement without bothering to stop at the floor above it? And if we don’t know where the water’s coming from, we don’t know who to call. The roofer? The plumber? The Maytag repairman? My handy brother-in-law?

What we need is the house equivalent of a general practitioner, an internist who can examine the house, stick a finger up its ass, tell it that it’s overweight, and refer it to the appropriate in-network specialist. Of course, unlike a GP, this person would have to make house calls.

We’ll probably just keep on using towels until wherever the water is leaking in from breaks or bursts or explodes and then the water will be pouring in but at least we’ll know where it’s coming from, so we’ll know who to call.

Or we’ll just move to New Jersey.

See you soon.

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