You have to make a left, a right and two lefts to get to our new home. It took me a few weeks to figure that out.
I don’t want to imply that I’m directionally-impaired, but let us say that I am probably not descended from trackers. Eons ago, I doubt my ancestors were among the hunters. I’m thinking they were among the eaters.
Anyway, once we had purchased this home, I thought it might be a good idea to learn how to find it without a GPS, especially since my GPS has an annoying habit of telling me to make a turn just as I am passing it. (“Make the next left…recalculating.”) I knew which exit to get off the Merritt Parkway, but I needed to map out some landmarks so I would know when my turn off the main road was coming up and not have to do one of those two-wheeled, screechy stuntman moves you see in the movies.
Fortunately, I found the O.D.
That stands for Ostentatious Driveway, a beige monstrosity that stands out like a khaki sea amid all the greenery, and leads to, at least from what I can see from the road, a house that’s not grand enough to warrant such a regal entry. It’s like going through the gates of Buckingham Palace only to find Rob Petrie’s house from The Dick van Dyke Show. I’m sure it’s a very nice house; it just doesn’t look that nice. But it’s oriented sort of sideways to the driveway, so perhaps its profile doesn’t do it justice. Maybe it’s the Taj Mahal from the front.
So the O.D., which is visible even at night (and perhaps even from space), became my warning that my turn was coming up. And then, in a clear case of oneupmanship, the property immediately across the road erected a foreboding stone barrier that has inspired us to call it the Medieval Fortress, or “M.F.” I am really looking forward to Christmas; it will probably be like Broadway on one side of the street and Vegas on the other, unless one or both homeowners are Jewish, in which case I’m expecting the biggest friggin’ menorah in history and perhaps a giant inflatable Maccabee.
So, anyway, once you pass the O.D. and the M.F., you‘ll come to two overhead blinking yellow lights that Stamford has installed for no apparent reason.
That’s how you know the turn to our house is coming up.
See you soon.