One of the problems with moving to a larger house is that I never know where my wife is.
My daughter, when she’s home, is always downstairs. My dog follows me around the house as if he’s on a leash.
But Barbara could be anywhere!
To be honest, I’d often have trouble finding her even in our old townhouse condo. She could go out for the mail and be gone an hour because she met a neighbor at the mailboxes, and whenever she got a call on her cell she’d take it outside because we had lousy reception.
But now there are so many rooms she could be in! Plus, the desk in her office isn’t visible from the doorway, so I actually have to step inside to see if she’s in there. She also has an annoying habit of answering with a nod when I yell out a question, even if I’m not in the room at the time. Sometimes she won’t even answer if I am in the room. We’ll have conversations like this:
Me: So are we going out to dinner tonight?
Me: I said, are we going out to dinner tonight.
Barb: I know. I answered.
Me: No you didn’t.
Barb: Yes I did. I said yes.
Me: No you didn’t.
Barb: Oh. Maybe I answered in my head.
There are places in the house where she would never hear me, even if I did my best William Shatner imitation,* looking up at the ceiling, and yelling “Barrrrrrrbbbbbbbb!” at the top of my lungs. She has no chance of hearing me if she’s in the laundry room, because it’s downstairs and through the door to the storage area. She could also be outside watering the flowers which, in my opinion, she spends an inordinate amount of time doing because, frankly, she has a weak track record with keeping plants alive and is determined not to kill the ones on our property. She also seems to enjoy sweeping our deck, so she could be out there.
And of course many times she just chooses to ignore me, so that I have to conduct a room-to-room search while trying not to trip on the dog, often discovering in the end that Barbara has driven off to do some errands without telling me and that I’ve been screaming in an empty house for 15 minutes while my dog was probably seriously questioning my sanity.
Also, the dog’s really smart, but he just doesn’t know what we’re doing for dinner.
See you soon.
*Of course, William Shatner did not yell “Barrrrrrrbbbbbbbb!” which would have been silly. He yelled “Khannnnnnn!,” which was also silly because it was William Shatner doing it, but with the really cool, overhead shot he managed to convey both anger and frustration with his arch-enemy, played with improbable pectoral muscles by the captivating Ricardo Montalban, who was vacationing in space from his home on Fantasy Island.
Kitchen Update: Yesterday a troupe of stiltwalkers came to our house and last night, boy were the fans cheering! (Translation: The sheetrockers started and left electric fans blowing all night to hasten the drying.)