Entry 15: Bang

In my lifetime, the sale of fireworks has always been banned in New York, and I remember when I was young, people would drive long distances to acquire incendiary devices that the Chinese had created during the Cold War so that Americans could blow themselves up.

I’m pretty sure you couldn’t buy fireworks in Connecticut back then, because that would have been a shorter drive. But they’re legal here now, apparently, unless the Connecticut idea of “Black Market” is posting a 30-foot long “FIREWORKS!” banner off the Long Ridge Road exit of the Merritt Parkway.

So I only have to drive a mere 10 minutes to purchase products with colorful names like “Aerial Avalanche,” “Brew-Ha-Ha Fountain,” “Komodo 3000,” “Thunder Mountain,” and “Finger Eater.” (Okay, I made the last one up.)

This temporary fireworks emporium is operated out of a tent in the parking lot of the local Bank of America branch, so close to the actual building, in fact, that all one would have to do to break into the bank is toss a lit match into the tent. That’s not really an issue, however, since it’s a closed Bank of America branch. I don’t know how long it’s been closed for, possibly since an unusual explosion in late June of last year.

Okay, I don’t know if that actually happened, or even if the fireworks tent was there last year. But I do know that the ATM in this particular closed B of A branch is still operational, so if you don’t have enough cash with you to buy the “Lock and Load” fireworks kit for $199.99, you can get more money right there.

Unfortunately, though, this particular outlet of Explosives-R-Us is a bit inconvenient if you’re heading north, because it’s a difficult road to cut across.  That’s why I’m happy to announce the opening of a second location, almost directly across the street, in a…wait for it…GAS STATION!

Fireworks in a gas station. That can’t be a good idea, can it?

One more thing: I did not personally go into the local fireworks tent to check out the inventory. Frankly, I get nervous around sparklers and birthday cake candles. So all the fireworks names in this post are actually from the website of Phantom Fireworks, whose real, trademarked slogan is “Lighting Up Backyards of America from Coast to Coast®.”

Which I guess, given their product line, is better than “What’s in your wallet?”

See you soon.

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