Entry 390: The Wedding Blog Part XXXV: Finally! Episode 1

Here’s my account of the big day, with comments from the bride herself in bold.

5 am–I wake up. This is not out of nervousness or anything; it’s just when I usually wake up. I do not know why. I can hear it raining out, which was expected, and much preferable to it raining in. It’s supposed to clear up in time for the wedding, though.
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5:41–It occurs to me that the whole wedding planning thing was a bit like when Barbara was pregnant, only slightly longer. Hopefully, today will go a lot better than the culmination of that event, which ended in a couple of days of extreme discomfort. Barbara didn’t do so well back then, either. Plus there was surgery involved. Yup, today should go better.

It also should be noted that it has taken less than 10 months to give away what it took over nine months to get in the first place. I’m not sure what that means, other than I really should stop waking up so early.

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CASEY: 7:11–The day is here, and I feel calm and excited! I notice pretty quickly, however, that my mom could probably benefit from opening some of the scotch they bought.

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9:08–While Barb and Casey are out for a pre-nup yoga session, Barb’s sister Karen calls to check in. “Do you believe your baby’s getting married today?” she asks me. Yeah, after 10 months of planning this thing, I believe it.
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10:00–“It’s a perfect day,” Casey announces. I look out the window. It is gray, and dreary, and pouring rain. “Bricks and cement look better when they’re wet,” Casey explains. “And photos look better when it’s cloudy.” Yes, it’s all about the pictures.
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10:10–Casey and Barbara are preparing to leave for the hotel, where the female side of the bridal party will spend the next four hours in hair and make-up while I take a nap, which is a necessity if you wake up at 5am and expect to stay up until around one in the morning. Suddenly, Barb marches out of the bedroom, clearly upset. “I am so stupid,” she says. Since there is nothing appropriate a husband can say when his wife makes such a statement, I wait silently for the punchline. It seems she purchased an elegant timepiece online for the occasion and has only now tried it on, only to discover it is much too big. I am dispatched to a jeweler to have links removed. My nap can wait; who can sleep when faced with such a dire wristwatch emergency?

CASEY: At the hotel, all the girls are in their matching bridesmaids sweatshirts getting hair and makeup done. I’ve brought “Cards Against Humanity” to help pass the time, because nothing says “It’s your wedding day” like reading profanities in front of friends and family. One of my bridesmaids looks a little worried. Turns out her bra broke and she had to send the cavalry to Victoria’s Secret. In this case, the cavalry was our two gay friends, possibly the two least qualified men in the hotel to be looking at bras.
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2:00–I start putting on my tuxedo. This takes longer than it usually takes me to get dressed, primarily because my usual attire is sweatpants and a t-shirt. The tux is a rental, so there are all kinds of little levers and things to adjust the fit. And the tie is a clip-on. It’s a regular tie, not a bow-tie, but it is a clip-on nonetheless. I guess they make it that way for people in the tech industry who might not know how to tie a tie, but I would have been able to handle real, grown-up neckwear. I’ll tell you what I can’t do, though: I can’t clip the clip. It will have to wait until I meet Barb at the hotel.

Finally I put on my bright white, brand new Reeboks. I’m truly rebelling against tradition here, as the rest of the wedding party is wearing New Balance. With the tux and the sneakers, my feet are now the only part of me that is comfortable.
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CASEY: 2:15–The groomsmen arrive at the hotel, many of them with pants. It seems that one of the tux rentals was missing that vital component. Fortunately, the person in question is able to borrow a close approximation.
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CASEY: 2:50–The personal flowers arrive. My mom looks over the bridesmaids’ bouquets. “There are six, right?” she asks. I say yes, to which my mother explodes in panic yelling, “COUNT THEM!” I confirm that there are indeed six bouquets, and note that mom may be beyond scotch.
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CASEY: 3:00–The photographer shows up. She takes out my dress to hang and photograph and I start having visions of all the possible stains that could take place between this moment and the ceremony.
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3:10–The first guests I see in the hotel lobby greet me warmly. Like many of the people I will hug hello over the hours that follow, I have no idea who they are. Sadly, unlike many of the people I will cluelessly hug hello, I have actually met these people before.

CASEY: I finally get to put on the dress. I feel like a princess. Among the “oo’s” and “ahh’s” in the room, my mother proudly exclaims, “Yeah, they really should have brought the bustle up more.” My aunt smacks her in the arm. **************************************
3:13–I take a peek into the hair and make-up room. Casey is wearing her gown. It is the first time I’ve seen her in it. Wow.

CASEY: My dad comes into the room holding up his clip-on tie. He stops, as he’s never seen me in my dress before. Can’t cry yet.
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3:47–While in a packed elevator headed up to the room, I somehow call Barb using Facetime. I have never even used Facetime intentionally; I don’t know how I used it accidentally. I also don’t know how to turn it off, in spite of the fact that Barb is yelling at me to do so. It’s bad enough getting yelled at over a phone; it’s worse when you can see the person yelling at you…and eight people in a crowded elevator are smirking.
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3:49–I present Barbara with the altered wristwatch. It is still too big. She will have to get through the event without a timepiece. The exact time will be irrelevant anyway; I’m sure people will let her know when she has to be somewhere, as in “Gee, everyone’s walking down the aisle; shouldn’t you be nearby?”
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CASEY: 3:50– The bridesmaids all hustle into a van to go to the aquarium. We decide to sing Disney songs on the way. We’re very glad we didn’t hire a videographer.
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CASEY: 4:10–I walk over to have Alex see me for the first time. He turns around, giggles in true Alex fashion, and tells me I look great. He looks pretty good too.
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4:45–All relatives slated for pre-wedding photographs head over to the aquarium. The groomsmen and bridesmaids have already been there for awhile. It has stopped raining but it’s still cloudy–perfect, I guess. With some body of water as a backdrop, the photographers assemble people in every possible combination, including one, I think, which includes a local fisherman who happens to be there.
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CASEY: 5:00–My bridesmaid Ofelia puts on my veil for the family photographs. This is far more painful a process than I think it’s supposed to be. We figure as long as she doesn’t draw blood, we’re golden. We spend the next 2 hours outside being put in all sorts of various poses for photographs. I realize that, although the lighting is indeed perfect, I should have thought about temperature, because it is really frickin’ cold!
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5:30ish–The wedding party–basically anyone in the vicinity wearing a teal-colored article of clothing–is sequestered in the “bridal suite” where snacks and drinks are served. We must stay here until all the guests are seated. It is really hot in the room.

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5:47–The officiant arrives, looking somewhat less like Wilford Brimley than we remember. He goes into the bridal suite, some papers are signed, and Casey and Alex are officially married. Everything that happens from now on is a complete sham.

CASEY: Our official officiant shows up to make this whole thing legal. He signs things, stands up, and ceremoniously leaves the room saying, “I will have your numbers forever, until I decide to delete them.” Um, thanks?
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5:53–Our cousins arrive with the two flower girls, ages 1 and 3. They’re adorable. And they’ve brought their own juice packs.
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6:15–It’s just too hot in that room, so I go outside in time to see the “party bus” arrive, filled with our friends from where we used to live in Westchester. They’ve already consumed a few bottles of champagne on the drive up. I should point out that many of the passengers on the bus are from the poker group for whom we’ve primarily purchased the two cases of scotch. Upon learning that they will not be let in for another 15 minutes, they move en masse to the bar across the street. I go back inside to warn the seals that people might be dropping into their tank later.
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6:30–Our guests are let in, and they seat themselves in what was a cafeteria yesterday. It has been transformed into a…well, a much nicer cafeteria. There are no tables, all the chairs are facing in the same direction, and a wide aisle has been formed. Some guests are incredulous that we haven’t assigned sides; “Sit wherever you like,” causes some of them to just stand there in confusion.

CASEY: The caterer brings in a mix of the appetizers that will be passed around during the cocktail hour. The bridal party asks me what’s on the plate, as if I remember what we picked out from the menu months ago.
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6:55–Almost showtime. We are led through the cafeteria kitchen and out into a hallway, where we are arranged in the pairs and order we are supposed remember from the previous evening.

CASEY: I fall behind and get lost as we’re taken through the kitchen of the aquarium. Off to a great start.

Elizabeth, the catering person, informs us that the aisle is too wide to cover entirely with flower petals as planned, so the florist has just sprinkled some around the chupah. Nobody cares.

To be continued…