Way back when I started this blog, I never would have thought there’d be enough material to write 100 humorous posts. Those of you who are regular readers might point out that I haven’t written 100 humorous posts, but who asked you.
Since this is my 100th post, I feel as though I should do something to celebrate, just like TV shows do when they reach their 100th episodes. Of course, for them, that means they’ll make a fortune in syndication and, for me, not so much.
So instead, I thought I’d bring you up-to-date on some things I’ve mentioned in previous posts…
Entry 10: Making a Decision, 6/17/11–“Barb also thought that the cheaper (house) was in more of a neighborhood, and she had visions of being able to take the dog on long walks as everyone came out of their homes in quaint 1950’s attire to ‘shoot the breeze.’”
UPDATE: Our Shetland sheepdog Toby, for reasons only he knows, steadfastly refuses to walk beyond our immediate cul de sac. Perhaps his canine powers tell him that the area beyond the corner is the territory of a sheltie-eating Doberman. Or maybe he believes that if he ventures farther afield, he’ll enter another dimension. Anyway, we really don’t know what kind of fashions people in the neighborhood wear. We suspect, however, that it involves khaki.
Entry 17: Big News from Stamford, 7/1/11–“After moving, we decided to subscribe to the local newspaper so we could keep our finger on the pulse of our new city. So we subscribed to The Advocate. However, since we were pretty sure that Stamford doesn’t have that much of a pulse, we only subscribed Thursday through Sunday.”
UPDATE: It turns out that Stamford doesn’t even have enough of a pulse to warrant a Thursday through Sunday subscription, and what local news there is we get from the online Stamford Patch, so we canceled the paper. They keep delivering it though. Could we be the only subscribers? If so, I feel bad.
Entry 20: Ode to Basements, 7/7/11–But now we have a real, honest-to-goodness basement, the kind in which you can install paneling and a wet bar, and a pool table, and a giant TV with a surround sound system that would make the whole house rumble, even if we were only watching “Beaches.” However, we didn’t install any of that in our basement. Instead, we installed our daughter.
UPDATE: Still there.
Entry 33: We Love Our Garbage Man!, 8/1/11– Also in my garage was a 6 foot wide, cloth-covered thingy that had been over the living room sliding doors and had been deposited in the garage by the painters…And he fed it to his truck, which ate it right up. Turns out they take everything!
UPDATE: Last week, he inserted into his truck our 25-year-old lacquered dining room table which was so heavy I had to go out and help him lift it. With a strangely satisfying crunch, the truck chomped it up into lacquered sawdust.
Entry 47: Hurricane Journal, Day II, 8/31/11–“We actually have a generator on order. The good news is, once it’s installed, there will never ever be another power outage.”
UPDATE: The generator wasn’t installed and started until November 4th. Outages B.G. (Before Generator): 4, totaling approximately 9 days, 47 minutes. Outages A.G.: 1, totaling 15 minutes.
Entry 55: Kitchen Update: Another Halftime Recap, 9/22/11–“There is a TV, suspended from a bracket that has full motion so that the TV can be moved in any direction and extended 13 inches from the wall…Bets are now being taken on how long it will be before the TV is left extended 13 inches from the wall and someone walks into it. No bets are being taken on who that someone will be. It will be me.”
UPDATE: Remarkably, no one has banged their head on the TV, primarily because no one has used the arm to move it in any direction. Nor has anybody fallen victim to one of the house’s major design flaws, which is that the door to the basement opens directly into the potential face of someone coming out of the hall bathroom. Fortunately, no one in our household is lightfooted enough not to be heard coming up the stairs, so the person coming out of the bathroom has plenty of warning to block the door from opening, hence causing the ascender to go tumbling back downstairs.
There is an injury report, though: I have suffered multiple head traumas by banging my unprotected-by-hair head on the bottom of the medicine cabinet door, which some inconsiderate person keeps leaving open, despite the fact that it is directly over the toilet bowl. I would give that person a stern talking to, except that I am the only one who uses that medicine cabinet.
Entry 60: Eek!, 10/6/11–(The mouse’s) back legs didn’t work. It would scurry along, dragging its hind legs behind it, like it was some sort of genetically-engineered fish-mouse from a really bad Japanese sci-fi movie…If you’d like to send a donation to my newly created Fund for Crippled Mice, just send a check made out to, um, me. I promise the money will be put to good use, to have that mouse’s legs surgically repaired (if we can find it alive), or, alternatively, to pay for a new dining room table.
UPDATE: The handicapped mouse was never seen again, which is just as well, because none of you cheap bastards sent as much as a dime. We did, finally, get a dining room table just a few days ago (see below), although we still don’t have chairs. (The mouse might still show up, so get those checks in now.)
Entry 75: Winter Approaches, 11/21/11–(After buying snow tires): “And so, with our cars ready to grip the road and provide traction through the frozen tundra, we are prepared for what will likely be a completely snowless winter.”
UPDATE: Snow in October: 15 inches. Snow since then: 6 inches. Suck on that forecast, Al Roker.
Entry 78: Going Out of Basement Sale, 11/30/11 – “So, if anyone reading this is interested in purchasing Disney, Warner Bros. and other cels, for a limited time only, you’ll also get a wonderful set of mismatched genuine silverlike serving implements absolutely FREE!”
UPDATE: Cheap, cheap bastards.
UPDATE: It was, and here’s a picture of it, flanked by our old dining room chairs. We have no idea when the new chairs will be coming. But, heck, it’s only been four friggin’ months!
Well, now you’re up to date.
See you soon.